Forgive Me

Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I always mention it in causal conversation. I've threatened to do it before, but I was never serious. Today I actually went there. I can't believe I did it. She shouldn't have pushed my buttons. That's still no excuse. Maybe I'll apologize tomorrow. Maybe not. She kinda deserved it, but that still does not justify my behavior. I usually don't let things bother me, but she caught me at the wrong time. I guess it was just a matter of time before it happened. Words have power. Having romanticized it in the past, I gave life to that deplorable wont. On some level I'm ashamed. Though I carry myself with piety, my behavior today was sanctimonious. Inexcusable. Inexplicable. So out of character. It was like an out-of-body experience. Maybe the next time she'll keep her dang mouth shut, so that it won't happen again. Actually, no, that's the wrong way to look at it. I'm the only person who can control my behavior. It's really not her fault. I did it because I wanted to. The dragon within was incensed and awakened and spewed a venom so potent that she left like a wounded lamb. She almost had to be carried out. It was her brazeness that made it so harsh. I wonder what my supervisor is going to say.

Real post coming tomorrow I think.

I Get It Now

The title of the previous post was actually a little premature. Now I can say that I am officially in recovery. After I took the entire prescription, the rash got worse. I don't know if my body rejected it or if I'm allergic to prednisone or what, but it got worse rather than better. Since then I ordered some stuff online that is supposed to eradicate the condition. I noticed today that most of the ones of my arms, face, and some of the ones on my stomach are beginning to dry up. Maybe a couple more weeks and I'll be back to normal. At least I'm hoping it won't be much longer than that. I can't help but wonder if God is communicating something to me through this. You know how they say everything happens for a reason? Well maybe He needed to slow me down so that I would reassess some things in my life. I will hasten to say that it has worked. I get it. I need to do better in my personal, professional and spiritual lives. I've vowed to do some things differently. For one, I'm really going to work on forgiving that man my mother claims is my father. In addition, I'm taking a step back when it comes to offering (unsolicited) advice to friends/colleagues. Only at someone's behest will I put my mouth on their situation/issue. This is particularly challenging for me because when someone comes to me with a problem (or something that I perceive to be a problem) I instinctively go into fix it mode. This little bump in the road (no pun intended) has forced me to pray much more and seek God more closely. I've known for quite some time that my spiritual life was grossly off kilter, but I was complacent in what I was doing--half going to church, not praying or reading the Bible, not consulting Him for guidance and direction. I know better and this has made me remember my roots because for the issue I'm experiencing, there really is not another being on whom I can rely save and except for Him. I get it now. I'm listening.

Listening to Sam Cooke's "A Change Is Gonna Come"