Let me clarify

When I said in the post on 03/04/07, that I grew up in an abusive household at the time I meant emotional/mental abuse. I learned this week though that in fact, it included physical abuse as well. I was oblivious to this. I had no earthly idea. A part of me wonders how she was able to hide it. After I got over the initial shock of it (actually I'm still a little discombobulated), I decided to go put a plan into action. I don't want to reveal too many of my cards right now, but I'll update you all later this week on how phase one of my plan goes.

Until then, pray for me. Pray for her. Pray for my siblings. Even pray the God has mercy on his soul. I'm so happy that I can honestly say that I'm not bitter. I thank God for that. We cannot undo the past, but we can stack the deck in our favor for the future. If my plan works, I'm gonna have a shout that won't wait!

In other news, I went to the MEAC championship game last night in Raleigh. It was okay. We got VIP treatment. Yeah, I know it's not like it was the Grammy Awards or anything, but it was kinda cool. You know, separate entrance, different parking lot, special floor seating, a box with a nice food spread--all the stuff that I assume is customary with VIP treatment. I wouldn't know, since it was my first time. Also Regina Bell was there. She sung that song from Aladdin--you know the one I'm talking 'bout. I can't remember the name. The one that's a duet. I think it starts off like, "I can show you the world..."

This week promises to be quite busy for me. We have the writing test on Tuesday, early release on Wednesday, a meeting early Wednesday morning, I have classes on Monday and Wednesday, I need to get my taxes done this week and get my brake pads and rotors put on my car. It would have been done on Saturday, but the guy waited too long to call me. He didn't call me until around 1 something when he said he'd call by eleven that morning. Mind you I made a blank trip over there around 9 something that morning. I only made the trip because they should have had what I needed by that time since it had been a week or so since I asked them to order the parts. The realism is they probably ordered the parts that same day, which is why he couldn't call me til 1 or so because he had to go pick up the parts. Like I oftentimes say, "We just gon do whateva."

How I'm Livin'

Since Thursday I haven't slept very much due to the shocking revelation of which I learned recently. I promise I'll fill everyone in later. Just know that now I am feeling well and am in pretty good spirits. I am currently devising a plan to put right what once went wrong...

In other news:

* Why is there so much drama on the job? The way they rate people is based on how high your test scores are. The problem with that type of rating system is that with each new set of kids everything is different. So you're really only as good as the last set of test scores. That makes it easy to fall out of the good graces.

* I am not fond of manual labor. I agreed to help a friend move some furniture this morning. I wish she'd hurry up and get ready so we can get started. That's the reason I decided to blog--because she's taking her sweet time.

* For anyone else who was actually a Whitney fan, did you believe the story about her and Ray J? By the way, when is her new album coming out? I hope she records "Family First" again. (You know, the song from Daddy's Little Girl's)

* I'm already looking forward to the holidays this year. Somehow, I have a feeling that everything is going to be so much better this time around.

* My old college roommate (the first one) gave me a call earlier this week. I have yet to return his call. It's just because I've been so preoccupied. I definitely have to make time today to give him a holla. I treated him like a brother, as he did me. He would always encourage me to go to class--even when his lazy, unmotivated self had no intention of going himself. I got much love for him.

* I'm going to round up some of my good friends for a road trip. I'm thinking a theme park. Sort of a celebration.

Be good everybody. The realism is, though, I won't know whether you've been naughty or nice. As a matter of fact we're all naughty at some point. The challenge is to make sure that those times don't outweigh the times when you behave nicely. Honestly, right now, I'm in kind of a quiet, reflective place. Gotta keep a clear head for what is to come.

Disbelief

When we were in college we had a saying that when you found out something shocking or if someone, usually playfully, told you off we'd say it/the person "...turned my life around." I found out something yesterday that had the same affect on me. It kinda stayed with me all day. The realism is I was completely devastated. I just couldn't believe what I heard. I'm definitely going to share it, but not at this time. In light of what I learned I have some wrangling to do to get my ducks in a row so to speak. I can say that when my plan comes together there will definitely be a celebration. Come what may, it is my intention to see this through. It's interesting how something negative can sometimes be the best motivation to make some life changes.

I Dream Of

Earlier this morning I had a dream. Some friends and I were at a restaurant. From the looks of things conversation seemed to be light and we seemed to be enjoying our time so far. We had a waiter named James. Interesting, right? Well James became upset with us, particularly me at some point because he felt like we wanted too much attention. Words were exchanged and he left. Soon another waiter, a female came over to the table to check on us. She asked me what happened. I explained my side of the story as best I could to her. After listening to me she couldn't understand why James (the waiter) reacted like he did. Before she came to this conclusion, she had a little attitude too. I guess it was because of the loyalty she had for her fellow server. I had to calm her down and get her focused on what I was telling her. After I did, like I said earlier, she couldn't understand James' reaction. I asked her where he was because I wanted to smooth things out before I left. I couldn't find him and the dream ended. The realism is that this whole situation is probably a metaphor for something else. I wonder what. Any thoughts?

The Truth: Not from Concentrate

I could post more often but it takes me a couple of days to decide what to write about. I don't imagine it's because I have such an uneventful life, but rather it's because I'm so busy trying to filter the information that I put out. I feel like I am continuing to repeat the pattern. I have a tendency to not fully express how I'm feeling because I like to present an image that says that I have it together. Honestly, for the most part I do. It's just that there's some stuff from the past, a lil baggage if you will, that I've been lugging for quite some time. Since my back is starting to hurt, I guess it's time that I needs be getting rid of it. So, blogworld, that's one of the things that I resolve to do. I'll start to try to unload some of this emotional stuff. I wonder how life will be when I don't have to carry around this heavy stuff any longer. Having borne it for such a long time, I wonder if I'll know how to actually let it go.

Here goes a start. I grew up in an abusive household. I had to pause after I typed that line to make sure that I wanted to keep the line and continue with some of my truths. You've heard me refer to him* --and for those of you who nodded off or haven't been playing close attention, him* is the one who they insist is my father. My life has felt like a series of contradictions. Him* is a preacher, but used to work as a counselor. (I know right, how is someone who is so messed up himself going to effectively counsel anyone?) Having to deal with the constant badgering, cursing, arguing, mean-spiritedness, hurtful words, etc., was such a far cry from the shell of the man who faithfully stood in the pulpit each Sunday to delineate the many evils of secular living/worldliness.

I could never come to grips with how someone could say one thing publicly and do something altogether different in private. I'm not sure that I'll ever understand that type of thinking, because I believe in being honest and transparent. I can see why he behaved as he did though. I mean, if his private life was exposed to the people in the public life, he would be frowned upon. Who wants to say that their pastor/preacher emotionally abuses his family? If I could play a tape of some of the things that have gone on in the past, any reasonably objective person would ask whether he is really a preacher.

Quick story: (Don't I always have a quick story?) Besides being evil incarnate, him* has a passion for sports, mainly football. I was never that into football. I played as a youngster and even showed promise, but it was simply not my interest. Looking back I think a part of the reason I didn't want to play was to aggravate him. I so despised being in his presence and loathed anything he liked, that I made sure not to like anything that he did so as to limit out interaction. One day my two brothers and I (by the way, they're twins) were at a barbershop. My older sister had taken us, but it was close to time for her to go to work and we had not gotten our haircuts yet. She called him to ask him to come and get us. His reply? I'm watching football. I always knew he like football a lot. But come on, we're your offspring. Your seed. You would rather us look like woolly mammoths than miss a little bit of one measly football game? The realism is, his action-answer was yes. My sister had to call her job to tell them she would be late, so that we could get our hair cut and she could take us back home.

So you say, well that's not so bad. I thought this was going to be deep and emotional. As I said earlier, this is the start of a series of posts. By the way they may not all be in succession, but there will be a couple of posts on the topic. This particular story may seem trivial to some, but it speaks to the position to which the other members of the family were relegated: last place. It speaks to the selfishness that he has. I need to add selfishness to my list of dislikes.

Psuedorandom Musings

1. Why is it that when you tell somebody something they have a tendency to discredit what you have said? When someone of a different race (white or Asian) or in a higher position tells them the exact same thing, then it's suddenly the gospel truth.

2. Have you ever lived with someone whom you felt like you were rearing? (Southern people say 'raising', but you raise sugar cane and sheep. You actually 'rear' people).

3. I wish a police officer would pull me over for anything. Now that I'm back on the right side of the legitness (is that a word) as far as my license is concerned, I will be in a position to verbally thrash any officer who pulls me over for no good reason at all. I'm getting badge numbers, superior officers, tag numbers, etc., and am definitely going to accuse them of pulling me for driving while black.

4. Why did one of my students take another student's paper, erase his name and replace it with his own name? The thing is, the student who erased the other person's name didn't even erase it good. How foolish can you be?

5. For some strange reason when I go out looking for things to wear, I usually return uncharacteristically empty handed. Things just don't seem to suit me anymore. Pardon the pun.

6. When you forgive someone, but find it hard to forget the infraction that initially caused you the pain, do you believe that is indicative of unforgiveness? I don't. I think you'd be a fool to try to forget what cause the problem in the first place. By remembering, you are able to guard your emotions against such damage in the future. Any thoughts?

7. I can cook a mean turkey leg.




8. It's been a while since we last spoke. Maybe I'll make the first move.

9. If you make a simple request of someone and they constantly defy the request, is that a sign of their disdain for you, their need to assert their own authority or a combination of the two?

I Got a Feelin'

Sometimes when I tell people this they look at me with that look that says, "I know you believe what you are saying, but it just doesn't sound plausible to me." The realism is I have a mild case of esp. You know, extra sensory perception. Sometimes I get these feelings that I can't shake. Sometimes I have a dream that at a later time in life will unfold itself. One can argue that it's that feeling that most everyone has experienced at some time or another known as deja vu. I cannot tell you how many times I've dreamed about some seemingly insignificant event and then later had the event take place. A lot of times I was even clothed the same way as in the dream. Other dreams sometimes unfold in a slightly modified form. I mean, the major theme of the dream will take place, but some of the minor details may be different. For example, about seven years prior to my grandmother's funeral I dreamed how the ceremony would be. For the naysayers, we all know that death is certain. I am not suggesting I dreamed that she was going to die. That would not be a revelation. What I am suggesting, though, is that there is no way I could have known the color of the casket, what she would have on and where it might take place. (The where part is arguable, because it took place in the church that she had been a member of for quite a while. However, she used to attend another church.) Still not convinced? One time in high school I dreamed about an illicit affair. Truthfully, in high school, since most people are not living in matrimony, aren't all of our trysts illicit? I digress. I dreamed about this girl with whom I would perform a specific sex act. Whadayou know? It happened. Even as it was about to happen I remembered the dream. I wanted to stop it. I felt powerless to do so. It was almost as if I had read the script, but had not the ability to alter my lines or yell 'cut'. Even as I ponder that event now, I wonder why I couldn't make it turn out differently. Was that even (sinful event) predestined? Or was I just feeling fresh (what we use for 'horny'; see entry entitled, "The Burgeoning" for reference to vernacular)?

It isn't just me either. My sister has the same ability. Quick story. We had a great uncle who was mentally ill. (Strong record of mental illness on his* side.) Anywho, he walked off from his home one night and no one could find him. After he was missing for several days, my sister had a dream. She then told my aunts/uncles where Clarence was. She told them he was naked and in the woods dead. We're from a small country town that was at the time heavily wooded. This information was relayed to the authorities. They went searching for him. Just as she had said, he was found dead in the woods naked. It was some on point that I jokingly asked, "Are you sure you didn't do it?"

Hear me clearly. I am not saying that I have a crystal ball and can tell the future. It just so happens that sometimes I get a feeling about things or sometimes I dream a dream that comes true. The question is, after I dream the dream, I wonder if unconsciously I try to make the events in the dream become a part of my reality or if they were going to happen anyway.

*See post entitled, "The Burgeoning" for further clarification