The Power of "If"

Have you ever heard someone make a half-apology like this: "If I did something wrong/to offend you..."? Let's examine what's really going on in this person's head.

Prefacing the apology with if allows the apologizer to feel as if s/he actually did nothing wrong. If indicates uncertainty. It is almost as if they are only making the statement in an attempt to pacify you. Although they don't really feel any responsibility for how you feel, they are trying to be the bigger person to repair the rift in the broken relationship.

On the surface, the if-type apology sounds sincere. If you aren't careful the very elect might be fooled. (Bible reference, for those who didn't catch it) However, upon closer examination, you quickly realize that the person delivering the if apology doesn't really feel responsible for the current state of affairs in a relationship. More than likely, they probably feel that the person to whom they are issuing the if-apology is being over dramatic or unnecessarily sensitive. In a sense, they feel okay because they think they are saying what you want to hear--the I'm sorry part--but at the same time are playing a game of emotional semantics that builds distance between your feelings and their role in creating that space in which you reside.

This ability to almost apologize for some offense, regardless of the severity, speaks to the person's overall character. The person who consistently issues the if-apology is skilled at deceit. I submit to you that it is a great deception to deliver an apology that asks for forgiveness while at the same time subtly implies that the apologizer really did nothing wrong in the first place; the apologee just needs to develop a thicker skin and get over it.

I guess what's most disturbing is that the person who issues the if-apology really never has to admit his/her shortcomings, because in their mind it really isn't their fault. They just think that others are overly sensitive and need to be coddled. In many cases it is probably a lack of nurturing in their youth that causes them to distance themselves from emotion.

What a quixotic dream to think that someone who in their own mind never does anything wrong, can actually be sorry for something that they have done. The realism is, a person who issues if-apologies probably has much deeper issues than a mere refusal to accept responsibility for their actions. Someone recently gave me an if-apology and immediately I became indignant for the aforementioned reasons. Not only that, an if-apology has at is core a manipulative intention. You only issue the half-apology in an attempt to regain whatever trust you perceive you have lost. Once you feel that you have regained it, chances are that you will slip back into the old habits and the necessity for subsequent if-apologies will ensue.