I usually acquiese, but this time I don't think I will. I just don't have the energy to keep up this charade any longer. Mom calls me about two minutes ago. I already knew how this would end. I've read the script and played the role before. She made about 35 seconds worth of small talk and then went in for the kill. Her purpose was to tell me to call him* to wish him* a happy father's day. In this past I'd do it though I'd be recalcitrant and look for other ways to pacify her without having to engage him*. I think she should understand how I feel. If not, maybe I need to draw her a picture. Remember that game Pictionary that came on t.v.? I don't know if I mentioned this or not, but she even called a few months back when I was out of town to find out whether I am willing to give him* one of my kidneys. I'm not certain why she wasted her time and energy. That's about three minutes of her life that she can't get back. Although she had already anticipated my response, I guess she just asked in the off chance that I'd say yes. A quixotic dream at best.
As I type this I'm trying to weigh in my mind my desire to distance myself from him* and her need to have peace in her home. I mean, I'm sure he'll be talking her head off about why JayBee didn't call on father's day. At this point in my life, I need to look out for me. How long should I consider others' needs above my own? I played that role already. I don't object to anyone else who wants to reuse that same script, but I beseech you to hire a different cast. (When is my girl gonna drop her new album?)
It would be such a farce for me to utter those words to him*, since they could not leave my lips (nice and full as they are) with sincerity. One of him*'s favorite expressions is, "...whole hog or not at all." Since I can't be sincere about it, I may as well not do it. That's just what I plan to do. I'll deal later with mama and her trying to force me to engage someone who I all but detest--like she wasn't living in that house with me. I wouldn't wish the upbringing I had in terms of interacting with him* on Osama bin Laden or George W. Bush. The thing is, even if I were to call and say it, I think in his empty place of empty places, he would know that it wasn't sincere. What's sick about the whole song and dance though, is that him* would welcome the insincere words in lieu of a complete omission. I'm different. If it ain't real, then you can keep it. MESSAGE! (Remember that from Don't Be a Menance to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood?)
To those who have assumed the mantle of responsibility associated with parenthood, and specifically today, fatherhood, I applaud you. How do you know if you're on the right track? I'll leave you with an idea that I posted back in March. Don't take it 100% literally, but reflect on it.
| Just a thought: You cannot choose your parents. Here's a question for parents everywhere. If you had to prepare a "resume" of your accomplishments, everything you have to offer a child, would your child/children choose you to be their parent? What character traits do you have that would make you an especially good candidate for child rearing? |
19 comments:
Very deep question you posed. I think my son would still choose me to be his parent. I've got some decent qualities that will ensure he grows up to be a responsible, productive citizen. The better question to ask would I be willing to post my resume for that job? Lol...I still think I was too young to be responsible for another person. As mature as I am, as smart as I am, as logical as I am, as responsible as I am, I still don't think I'd apply for that job.
But since I have it, I do it and I think I do it well.
Now on to your post: interesting situation for you to be in. It sounds like your mother is trying to keep up the facade that everything is hunky-dory and she wants everyone to buy into that dream. Sounds like you say that dream is permanently deferred. Kudos to you for standing up for what you feel and believe and refusing to perpetuate the fraud any longer. It may be hard but in time, your mom will understand your position. Good luck!
I know how you feel and wish that I was there to give you a hug. I don't know what else to say because I don't want to go advising you on such a personal situation.
I stand up to my Mom frequently, but she still acts confused about why and this burns me. The only thing I can think to do is to sit her down and summarize my childhood like she's in first grade. I don't think this will do any good since she has to acknowledge there was ever a problem before believing I could have been negatively affected.
Hang in there JayBee cause is suspect you standing up for yourself can't be easy all the time.
very insightful
and i want to thank u for you iunderstanding and that blessing or well wish to father, like me hats off
Wow, Jaybee. Everytime you do a post and speak of HIM I feel as if it is something I have written myself. Your relationship with your father sounds exactly like mines with my step father, rest his sole. My relationship with my stepfather was so rocky that when he passed and everyone was standing up and saying all these wonderful things about the man, I sat and fought the urge to go up and dismiss every single word they said. Truly I did. As a matter of fact, I walked up there with my little sister (her dad) and God help me, it was a last minute decision to not say anything at all. I know I would have made a mockery of a furneral and hurt a hell of a lot of people.
Anyway, I fought the same battle every fathers day. He and my mom married just around the time I was getting out of the third grade. It use to annoy the hell out of me when people would find that out and say, "well he raised you". What the fuck? Shut the hell up! What the fuck do you know about what goes on in our house. You don't know how my stomach would tense up anytime he came home. You don't know how he would change the rules of the house just to prevent me from having fun. You don't know that he was the reason why I never allowed myself to have any friends outside of the school yard, so he wouldn't have anyone or thing to take away from me. You don't know the pain of a little boy who was told to knock before entering the bedroom and was made to sit outside of the door and knock and knock and knock and never be told he could come inside. You don't know the dreams that of abuse that haunt me to this very day, as an adult. Dreams that I thought would go away once he died, but never did. You don't know this shit, so don't tell me he raised me just because he married my mom while I was still young.
Wow, do I sound bitter? Well, I am damn it. He died and I was never able to resolve these feeling. I did learn not to hate him though. I learned that he was not worthy of my hate and it was wrong to hate him. It was hard as hell too. Every father's day I would fight the constant battle. I need to get this man something, if only for my mom. I need to tell this man "happy father's day". It was a battle that I would always lose, because the words would not be sincere.
I think I was in my thirties before I started actually buying him something on Father's day, but I don't think I every uttered the words, Happy Father's day. The gift was just an empty gesture, that I know he really did appreciate. He wanted to be a dad to me, would even introduce me as his son. It was so hard for me to return the favor. It wasn't until my thirties that I would make myself say, this is my father, so and so, to people.
We could have a serious talk, my friend. You are the first person that I feel would understand. I think I would probably cry though, so it is best that we never have that conversation, huh.
Needless to say, I am feeling this post whole heartedly. Sorry for venting on your blog, brother. You mother and my mother should sit down and make a quilt together. Ain't it hard to have hold any type of ill feelings towards ones own mother?
great question...
you know i used to have a less than stellar relationship w/ my version of *him but as i've grown the r'ship has evolved and i see that his madness comes from a place of love, even tho it is madness. plus the fact that he know is dealing w/ lung cancer makes me pray for him more rather than dwelling on his failings.
oh and one man's opinion, you basically just described my relationship w/ my stepfather. do you wish you had somehow resolved your feelings w/ him before he died?
I really like that part on at the end. to it i would like to add the need to reflect on whether or not what a parent has to offer is adequate. I learned many lessons from my father but nothing about love.
I think my trait is loyalty. I promise to be with my children as best as I can. I would promise to not allow them to be raised by grandparents but by strong parents that all though it gets rough will never pass them on to anyone else.
Good Post per usual!
Well, i certainly do understand where you are coming from. My relationship with my stepfather had really progressed over the years...in fact in the early years i felt alot like you, and my mom would do the same thing, expect us to shower him with gifts and salutations for being her husband. Over the years, our relationship developed and he became more of a father towards me and my siblings, so now i have no qualms about sharing this special day with him. No, he is not my birth father, and for many years i disdained him for not doing what i thought he should be doing, which is taking care of my mother, but i changed, and he changed, and today things are so much better,.
Jaybee, I so feel you on this! I didn't call him* either and my mother has finally understood don't ask me about that shit cause I'm just not and so what if he is going to give you grief. I told my mom 2 years ago when I mature more then I'll call him* but right now I'm just not that mature to deal with it! She didn't say anything she just accepted it and hasn't said anything since.
My resume wouldn't be accepted thus I choose not to hand it out at all...I pop that pill every morning like it's religion!
I really like that last part!
@ieisha: thanks. i hope she eventually understands my decision. somehow, i think you're quite capable for the office of mom, even if you wouldn't have willingly applied. hurry up with that law degree. a brotha needs some help with these speeding tickets!
@realhustla: i could use a hug.especially since i'm kinda going against my mom for like the first time. lol about talking to your mom like she's in the first grade, but i soooo get what you mean.
@torrance: i applaud you guys who are doin' yo thang on the father tip. i've been around.
@one_man: it's quite difficult to find people who understand. it's the damned script. (find my description of that). i would be interested in having that conversation. to your credit, you were at least able to speak with him later on in life.
@mint: '...his madness comes from a place of love.' i'ma have to let that one marinate. in the interim, please elaborate.
@mp: let adequacy be the barometer for candidacy. i like.
@still: thanks, poca. loyalty is a good trait for a parent to have. what'll be better is if your children pick it up.
@miz: what was paramount in what you said is he changed. glad that he did for your sake and your mom's.
@cherry: glad your mother gets it. my mother and i haven't spoken since she called on father's day. that's only been two days, but i'll let you know what that first convo is like, post i'm-sick-of-this-crap-so-i-gotta-do-me day. i ain't mad at all about taking care of your business. if you ain't ready, it's best that you not force anyone to endure your lack of preparedness.
@mp: i try to be deep every now and again!
JB it was almost thrity before I was able to even sit down in the same room with the man. It was while in my thirties that he became sickly. I had to learn how to forgive him in order to live. I know that sounds corny, but it is true. I still have a lot of unresolved feeling about him, but at least I know I was able to forgive, although I know I never managed to forget. You will get there, I know you will. You will get there because you, like me, are bigger than the hate. You might need a rock to help you along that path. Mine's was a lady who lived up the street and went to the same church. Mrs. Finley. I don't even think she is aware of the good our little talks had.
solid post. I was glad my mom dumped her loser boyfriend four years ago before he became my version of him*...unfortunately, I have no problems rocking the boat, so he knew I pretty much hated him.
hey- can't blame moms for trying... she knows what's up, but she gotta try.
mine knows better than to ask me to speak to "that fool"
in fact, he never even comes up anymore.
would my kids still choose me? probably not. Maybe the little one. Maybe.
@chris: did you and your mom's relationship change at all during the time period that she was with aforementioned loser?
@jaded: yeah, i guess i can't get too mad at her for trying to be the peacemaker. why wouldn't the other(s) choose you?
I'm a pretty strict parent, and the oldest is daddy's girl so I don't think that, given a choice, she'd choose me.
The little one is mommy's girl so maybe she would pick me because she's attached to my hip LOL, except, like I said, they both think I'm too strict.
not at all. I think it sort of strengthened our relationship at the time because she was so hellbent on making sure she didn't forsake her kids for a man that I appreciated her even more for making that effort.
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