I ran across a post at Torrance's site that made me decide to post this. I had been talking about it with other people, but wasn't gonna speak on it in this forum. It was weird when I read the post because this incident took place just three days prior to me reading his post. Talk about coincidence.
I was on the phone with my mother discussing my plans to move. I was debating whether I'd buy something when I move or move into an apartment for six months and then buy. I think I've decided to rent for the short while and use that time to find where I want to buy. I'm leaning toward purchasing a condo. I'm a county boy but I don't necessarily need a yard. I do not like yard work--never have. That's one of the ways they used to punish me when I was a child. Pulling weeds, cutting grass, raking--ugghhh. I hate yard work. Since I don't really want to maintain a yard, it would just be an added expense for me to have a yard because I'd have to pay someone to keep it up.
Rather than have to fool with that I'd just rather do a condo where I can have fulltime security, valet parking and a concierge on the premises. I'd much rather have those services than a yard any day of the week. To each his own. I shared this with my mother and mentioned that living in a condo would also prevent me from having to host a bunch of family events. That's what did it. She was like, why don't you want your family to come over. Blah blah blah and then she said it. She said, "You're so selfish."
I can't describe how taken aback I was by this erroneous statement. Never mind I've loaned my younger brother of $600 to help him out. I just gave my niece $50 to put toward her eighth grade trip to Washington, D.C. because my sister didn't have the rest of the money to cover the full cost of the trip. In addition, I just gave my mom $348.56 to pay her car note this month. She's actually a month ahead, but that was my Mother's Day gift to her. Selfish? I don't think a selfish person would do the things that I've done.
The only reason I mentioned the thing about not having to host family events is because I do not like people encumbering my time, family included. People in my family have a tendency to volunteer you to do stuff without your knowledge or consent. I ain't down wit' that. I remember in 1998 when him* volunteered us to host the family reunion at our sprawling mansion house. I was pissed because I knew that we'd be doing most of the work while him* took all the credit like him* had done something. And that's exactly what happened. Of course because more people were around him* was even more annoying than usual.
My mother must not understand fully how I feel about having grown up in that house. I'm going to have to have a sit down conversation with her about the damage that was done. That's why I don't go home. That's why I don't want to be bothered. No I ain't hosting sh@t. Just as sure as my name is JayBee, if I had a house with a yard, they would be volunteering my spot to be the designated meet up place/host site for family events. I've known these people for 26 years so I know how they get down. Rather than have an issue later about why I don't want to hold events, I thought I'd head any trouble off at the outset by making it known now that I'm not even feeling having a bunch of people running up and through my sh@t. If ya'll like to have people up and through your stuff, that's fine. Don't try to impose that on me and then get mad when I decide that I don't want to do it. That's that damned script again.
So anyway, after talking to my roommate, she told me that my mom probably just used the wrong word. Some might argue that's it's a question of semantics. I'd disagree. The realism is the two terms have completely different denotations. What she really meant to say was that she felt I was being self-centered. Now, I wouldn't argue with that. I do have a tendency to be self-centered/self-absorbed at times. I'm fully aware of that character issue and don't make apologies for it. Who else is gonna look out for me? I gotta take care of numero uno. That's not to say that I don't care about other people. I just really care a lot about what's important to me. Why do people use the two terms interchangeably? They do not mean the same thing. Honestly, I wouldn't have been offended at all if she had used the term self-centered as opposed to selfish. Clearly, I have demonstrated that I am not a selfish person. If I'm in a position to help you and I don't mind extended you a hand, I will.
UPDATE
So what's the difference between the two? You ask the hard questions. Being selfish has a completely negative connotation. I liken it to having a disdain for sharing. Seeking only self-satisfaction. To hell with everybody else. Being self-centered also has a negative connotation, but to me it’s no where near as egregious as being selfish. Self-centeredness is just what it sounds like. For a person who is like this, they consider self first. That doesn’t mean that they don’t consider others. They just have a natural inclination to make satisfying their needs a primacy before addressing the needs of others. The difference between the two is that a selfish person doesn’t give a phuck about other peoples’ needs. A self-centered person will meet the needs of others. Most of the time though, it can only happen after their own needs have been met.
