Stuff

I'm blogging from my sister's laptop in Savannah. I tried to leave to go back home, but she phoned me to let me know that I left a bag and my coat. I decided to turn around and return to gather my things. Now I'm just waiting until my mom gets off work before I leave. I already saw her today, but I'm a little sleepy so that gives me an excuse to see her one more time and will allow me to get some rest.

Mrs. Campbell, who I call my other mother, said something to me that helped me see things differently with regard to him*. She told me that he already has to answer for his wrongs. I'll be judged based on how I interact with him. That really helped me. I can be cordial. I just have to limit my engagements with him though, because I'm not nearly as strong as it may seem. My inclination is to lash out at him, so I have to be really careful not to go around him too much.

The whole holiday thing went okay. I did leave the house the night before Christmas and considering getting a room, but I decided to return. My mother seems so happy now that I'm home. I know she misses me because it is so rare that I come. She knows why though. She doesn't necessarily like it, but she does know. We only talk about it on occasion. It's kinda like gays in the military - don't ask don't tell. We choose to ignore the big pink elephant that did the somersault in the middle of the living room.

I was glad to see my aunts and uncles and cousins and brother and sister and their families. One brother didn't make it. He and his wife went to her parents' house. I guess that's what you have to do when you're married, but they also went there for Thanksgiving as well. On top of that they didn't send a gift for my mother. He claimed he couldn't afford to buy any gifts this year. He recently got a job and did you miss the part where I said they went to the other in laws' house. We're talking about a three hour drive. I started to call him and go off, but a part of my personal growth and reflection has been for me to take my mouth off people and their situations. As much as I would like to question whether they purchased a gift for his wife's mother, I'm gonna try my best to leave it alone. I'm not trying to make comparisons, but I just have some questions...

This is all over the place. I just checked my email and a guy contacted me about a job. I need to decide whether I plan to follow up with that or not....I could use the extra bread to help me with my relocation expenses.

Sayings

If I can't believe everything you say, then I can't believe nothing you say. (I am aware of the double negative.)

This is one of the most poignant sayings that I have ever heard. It speaks to honesty and integrity--two closely related ideas that are of paramount importance to me. If you want the fight of your life, say something against my character. I can handle all other attacks against me. You can call me short, fat, ugly, stink, stupid, etc., but under no circumstances can you assassinate my character. Your name is all you have and when people attack your name they in essence attempt to alter your destiny. I say alter your destiny because when other people hear what someone who has attacked you has said, they engage you in conversation and in deed as if what the attacker said is/was the gospel truth. I'm not sure where this diatribe came from, but I just had this on my heart. It's not like anything like this has happened to me recently, but I just felt like putting this out there.

In other news, a teacher at my school beat up a student, a kid set a desk on fire, and we have random students (one of whom is in my 3rd block class) pulling fire alarms for kicks. East Side High.

What are some of your favorite sayings and why do they speak such volumes to you?

Action!

It is difficult for other people to understand why I'm not all gung-ho about going home for the holidays. I realize that most people want nothing more than to be with their families during this time of year. However, for me, I'm not feeling the holidays like that. As a matter of fact, I choose not to go home very often because I have so many issues with some of the things going on there. Perhaps most people grew up in with a nice home environment. That is not the context from which I draw my lived experience. Moreover, I believe that it is because most people had a "normal" home life, that they find it hard to understand when someone from a dysfunctional situation chooses to distance themselves from home.

For one, my mother's husband (until I see a blood test I won't call him my f____r), has had both legs amputated and is blind and still calls himself "pastoring" a church. He needs to sit down somewhere. How can someone in his condition effectively lead a flock of parishoners? On top of the health issues, he has so many psychological issues that it is not funny. I dont' have the emotional energy right now to go into detail, but suffice it to say ole dude is crazy. The sad part is that he thinks it's everyone else--a hallmark of people in his mental state.

The reason most people cannot wrap their minds around someone adamantly refusing to be involved in home life is because of what I call "The Script." Society has written a stage play in which our roles are defined, complete with stage directions. According to the script, any dutiful son should be home with family, sitting around the fireplace reminiscing on days gone by. I'd much rather skip meals for three days. (Anyone who knows me knows how much I love to eat.) People who deviate from the script are labeled as social misfits by society. I do not apologize for deviating from the script. If anyone had a home life like I had, and I realize that other people had it so much worse, then they would understand why I choose to exit stage left, rather than move in closer.

I have no desire to have a relationship with that man. He keeps calling me and I keep ignoring his calls. Last night I was duped into answering the phone. I have his number stored as Don't Answer, but for some reason I looked at the digits instead of the words and hit the talk button. As soon as the interrogation began I had regretted not reading, after all, reading is fundamental. The question about why I haven't returned calls came up. So as not to have a heated discussion in front of my company I simply said I'd been busy. Of course, he didn't like that answer and asked me if I was angry with him. That's the understatement of the freakin' decade. I didn't even have language to have that conversation with him so I had to end it so that my attitude wouldn't be bad, since I was on my way out.

When I talk to some of my friends about how I feel they try to tell me how I should feel and what I should do. I am not interested in how you think I should feel or what you think I should do. That's why I rarely discuss it because most people simply cannot wrap their minds around the decisions that I have made with respect to this situation. Their advice always heads toward trying to talk to him and getting over it, etc. I really can't be mad at them because those are the types of answers that should be given to someone based on what is printed in the script. What they don't understand is that the copy of the script that I received was markedly different from the ones that they read. One of my friends claims to "get it" but at the same time always remarks about how she thinks I'm wrong for this and that. That means that you DON'T get it!! What annoys me is that people want me to detail some life-shattering event that caused me to feel such resentment toward him. Since no single event exists (i.e. molestation, abuse, drug use,etc.) that would be considered "bad" enough for me to feel this way, people dismiss how I feel. Again, the script dictates that there had to be some capital offense before you can say that a parent is not worthy of your time, rather than the sum of all the years of your existence, with every passing day spent with a person more miserable that the previous.

When I am done with someone I am done. Come hell or high water. It is over. Finished. (Notice the pattern 5-3-1). The part I hate most is that I have withdrawn from my mother as well. She likes to encourage me to speak to him as well. That type of behavior only makes me reluctant to call her as well. As a matter of fact, it makes me resentful on some level, as she should clearly understand why I feel and behave this way. She's just a Christian though. It doesn't matter what someone has done, she believes in forgiveness. I do too. However, I subscribe to a brand of forgiviness that does not require that I still interact with the offender. I can wash my hands of you and be fine. Truthfully, when he's no longer in the picture I'll make up for this lost time between my mother and I. Given his health, I don't think it should be much longer.

Leave it to Hallmark

A part of my rearing was done in a town that had a population of about 872 called Screven, Georgia. It wasn't until 1989 that the family moved to Savannah, so I spent about six years in Screven. The town recently like in the last five years got an additional stoplight. It already had one stoplight and a caution light. There were railroad tracks that separated the Black side of town from the other side. Needless to say, there was little mixing--as a matter of fact I can only recall seeing white people at school and at the local grocery store. I don't ever remember seeing a single white person in my neighborhood.

Anywho, there was a revered former teacher who had been diagnosed with cancer. At age six I didn't know what cancer was, but I knew it would eventually lead to her death. I never had this woman as a teacher, but when the news about her illness spread through town, and I listened to people recount tales of how she chastised them when they were wrong and how she inspired them to greatness I wished that I had had an opportunity for my life to have been touched by her. Since I fate would not allow her to inspire me, I thought I'd do something to inspire her.

I decided to send her a personalized greeting card. I drew her a nice picture on the front and on the inside scribed the words, "Get well soon slut." I drew another picture on the back of the card and headed down the street to deliver my well wishes. When I reached her house I proudly knocked on the door and gave the card to her son. He was about sixteen or so I guess. He said thank you and glanced at the message on the inside. His countenance fell. I was perplexed, even though I didn't know the word perplexed at the time. He told me he'd make sure everyone saw the card. Of course my intention was that his mother got the card, but in my youthful ignorance I swelled with pride when he said that he'd show it to everyone. I asked him if it was okay for me to get a pear from the tree and he said yes. I scaled the tree and bopped back home.

I can remember using the bathroom and my aunt burst in and said that I was in trouble. I didn't know why, but somehow I figured that it related to that card that I delivered. She said a bunch of stuff that I don't remember or would never repeat and said she'd tell my parents when they got home. I was nonchalant because I didn't know what I had done wrong. All I knew was a lady was sick and I tried to cheer her up by giving her a card. When my parents got home I got yelled at and got my azz tore up! Nobody ever bothered to explain to me that the message in the card was offensive.

The reason I used the word slut is because my sister and aunt were in the next room while I was designing the card and I kept hearing them call this girl named Katrina a slut. They used the word so frequently that I thought it must mean something good. I was able to sound it out and spell it using phonetics. I think my sister and aunt are the ones who should have actually been punished. I was impressionable.

Years later I spoke to my parents about the severe beating that I received as a result of that incident and explained to them one of the numerous parenting mistakes they made. The realism is that it is not effective to punish someone without explaining why they are being punished. When I told them this they said they were disciplining me. I told them that punishment and discipline are not the same thing. Discipline seeks to replace negative behaviors and may involve consequences. Punishment only involves consequences.

In the future I think I'll leave the greeting cards to the professionals.

Is That Your Version?

I had a run in with a lady on my job. She told a student that because she missed a day of school that she didn't have to take my test (emphasis on my). Of course this is not SOP so I stepped to her and let her know that. I don't think she really understood the seriousness of what she did so I drafted a letter to her to let her know.

October 22, 2007 Dear Ms. K, I decided to follow up our verbal conversation on Friday, October 19, 2007, with a letter. If my tone came across as mean-spirited let me offer an apology. However, let me hasten to say that I do not apologize for the substance of the message that was delivered to you. As educators, we have to be mindful of students’ attempts to circumvent authority and accountability. Keisha’s intention was to use the absence to negate having to take the test. The insinuation here is that one day’s absence compromised an entire unit of study and that students bear no responsibility for material covered in absentia. She was fully capable of attempting the test. Furthermore, any student that performs poorly on any test that I administer is re-taught and allowed an opportunity to retest. This is a policy that applies in my classroom and is availed to all students. Keisha is also fully aware of this policy. It was with this advanced knowledge that Keisha approached you to conspire against my classroom. I am deeply offended that you would overstep your authority, advise Keisha that she did not have to take the test and that this message was conveyed by a child. Minimally, if you had a concern about the information you had received from Keisha, professional courtesy dictates that I be given an opportunity to speak on the matter prior to your taking a course of action based solely on one-sided information. I have an obligation to the state of North Carolina to ensure that Keisha is successful on the geometry end of course test. As a matter of fact, ensuring students’ success on the end of course test is a major responsibility of my job and as such has a primacy for me. To be clear, I do not owe you an explanation about the curricular decisions that I make in my classroom so long as I make provisions for the modifications that Keisha is afforded. Please understand that when I do make a decision it is not to harm students, but to help them and to help me get a better idea about what I can do to help them reach and demonstrate mastery. There should be no confusion about what students are expected to do. It is unfortunate that the student made a poor choice in this case, but I cannot blame her for her poor decision, since she felt justified, having acted at your behest. If the student dialogues with her guardians about how I told her to do one thing and you told her to do something to the contrary, that may raise the ire of the guardians who are not privy to all the details of the situation. In turn, they may come to the school to conference about this situation. Honestly, they would have a valid reason for doing so. When a child makes claims about receiving mixed messages, it is a parent’s right to conference with the involved parties in an attempt to sort out the matter. I hope that you are prepared to field any questions that might arise as a result of this situation. It is not my desire to conference about this matter, but if the parents request it, I will comply. I will be careful with the language that I use as well, so as not to make it seem as if there exists an antagonistic relationship between you and I. I will do this because I believe that as colleagues we need to be on one accord and display a unified front to both parents and students. I am aware of the many ways that students try to manipulate adults. In this case, Keisha’s behavior, with your assistance, severely compromised her learning. Perhaps the bidirectional message is what is most egregious about this situation. In essence, with your telling the student one thing and me telling her another, my actions were misinterpreted as me trying to impose an undue hardship on the student. To the contrary, I know that brain-based learning suggests that students are more likely to retain information in their long-term memory with repeated exposure. An enormous gap exists between what a teacher explains and what a learner understands. To reduce this gap, teachers need to engage students for deeper understanding and feedback with implicit and explicit learning strategies. If you don’t know what they didn’t get, how can you elaborate effectively? Making corrections as we go along is a critical approach for teaching with the brain in mind. (Jensen, 2000, p. 35) As you can see, my policies are in full keeping with best professional practices. I do not apologize for having high expectations for my students, as I am critically aware of what is necessary for them to be successful in this course and in life. Moreover, when it appears that we, as colleagues, are divided in our approach to handling student affairs, the involved student suffers. In this case Keisha compromised a beneficial learning opportunity. This situation is indicative of what occurs when educators do not grant each other the professional respect and courtesy that is necessary for the school to work harmoniously. Nevertheless, in an effort to foster greater communication about Keisha’s progress I will make available a copy of her latest progress report to you. In addition I am enclosing a copy of the course outline so that you can peruse it and familiarize yourself with the content therein, including the established policies and procedures for my classroom. If you need clarity about the content of the documents that I am sending, please contact me. Respectfully submitted, James Bailey Enclosures cc: The principal Assistant principal (primary evaluator)

After the letter was submitted the assistant principal stepped to me to let me know that I had her full support. Then Ms. K gets someone else involved and spins the story. Supposedly the girl was ill in class on the day of the test and that's why she didn't want to take it. I asked Ms. M who brought me this information why Ms. K dind't communicate that to me when we had our verbal conversation and how come she didn't say anything to me after I gave her the letter. Of course Ms. M couldn't answer for Ms. K but I made it clear that this sounds like journalistic spin to me-- you know how they say that Gore is president, but then recant when that's not the angle that they were going for.

In other news things are pretty much okay. I got word that I would be receiving a bonus in my upcoming paycheck. Yay! I have an assignment due for class this Tuesday that was really due last Tuesday but SHE showed up again. The realism is that I should be doing my assignment now, instead of messing with this blog. Let me hop to it.

Coach Carter

I got up early and put on a nice outfit because on that day we were going to be having an assembly at school. Someone had arranged for out students to meet the real Coach Carter. When the students found out about it, some of them thought that Samuel L. Jackson was coming. I had to remind them that movies are not real and the people playing in the movies are just actors.

For some reason I had to go by the ATM this particular morning. I don't remember the reason why now. After I got some $$$ I continued up the same road the ATM was on, which is not my normal route. It was raining but not too hard. An officer came up behind me and got closer to my bumper than necessary. I knew then that he was running my tag to find out who I was. Driving while black is a mutha. He stops me. I pull over and he comes up to tell me that my tag is expired. I tell him that I think he is incorrect because I had already paid the taxes on my car.

Where I'm originally from (Georgia) when you pay the taxes you get a new decal. I did not realize in NC that you pay taxes and a separate decal fee. Ignorance of the law, however, is no excuse. He finds out that I also had a revoked license. I knew my license was revoked but I just hadn't found the time to handle the paperwork associated with getting it reinstated. It got revoked because I had gotten a ticket earlier. I paid the fine but did not send the receipt back to Georgia, where I was still maintaining a license at the time, even though I was living in NC.

He tells me to get out of the car so that he can arrest me for driving with a revoked license and having an expired tag. I am disappointed but not shocked. I knew I was getting arrested as soon as he pulled me over. I get out of the car and he puts the handcuff on while other cars speed by me on their way to wherever. I tell him that I'm sick and I don't need to be in the rain. He says he'll try to make it quick. He checks my pockets and inquires about the contents. I had some flash drives/jump drives/thumb drives (I've heard so many names for them) in my pocket. He asked what they were. I told him, but he seemed like he wasn't sure about my response. He asked where I worked. I told him I worked for the county. I was certainly not going to reveal to him that I worked for the school system so that he could try to make this a bigger deal than it was.

At some point he led me to his cruiser and had me sit down and told me he was going to search my vehicle. All I could think about was this white cop was going to plant some drugs in my car (Jaguar) to try to get a promotion on the force or something. Maybe I overanalyze but that's all I could think about. Plus if he did plant the drugs how would I convince anyone that the drugs weren't mine? He didn't find any drugs but he came back with a knife that I had in the armrest. He told me that I was carrying a concealed weapon, but that he would not add that to the charge. Somewhere in the midst of all that was going on he called another officer for backup. Mind you I'm 5'6" 152 lbs. Why the fuck did he need backup? Plus I was sick and I thought I was fly(see paragraph one).

They towed the car to some tow place way far away from where I live. I rode in the car to the local jail downtown. I told the officer while I was in the car that the cuffs were too tight. He told me that he knew what they felt like because they have to wear them as a part of their training. I'm thinking if you know mutha*#2&#@! take them off me. When we got to the garage under the jail we had to wait in the car because they were filming a commercail in the jail. The officer joked saying that I could be on tv. He asked me if I wanted to be in the commercial. I very curtly replied no and I told him I didn't think it was funny. He got out of the car after a while and led me inside. I had to sit on a bench and he handcuffed me to a bar that was on the back of the bench like I was a member of a cow herd. I told him that I did not want to be cuffed to the bar. He said his sargeant would get him if he didn't. I asked him if his sargeant had plans to come by here at 7:45 on a Tuesday morning. He didn't respond. I continued trying to pressure him to not cuff me. I asked him if he had checked out my shoes. I then followed up with do you think I'm going to run and scuff up my shoes? He still cuffed me to the bar anyway.

He started doing the paperwork and I was given a chance to contact a bailbondsman. I called a bondsman, but I still had to go upstairs to be booked and fingerprinted. After I was processed they made me answer a million questions and put me in a holding cell. I was in the cell for at least 2 hours. It only had a bench and a toilet sink thing that was all in one hooked together. Finally they released me when my bailbondsman arrived. I got my belongings and called someone from work to come and get me.

Luckily for me things at work were okay because we were having the assembly that day. If we weren't I would have had to call and tell them I couldn't make it for whatever reason. I really think all this happened because a white cop saw a young handsome black male driving what he thinks is an expensive ride.

VIP

So yesterday I headed down to Charlotte to hang out with my friend Tonya. (I can't remember the fake name I used so I'll just use the real one. Makes life easier.) She's down there on business for about two weeks. She called me about 8:30 a.m. Saturday morning to see if I wanted to come down. I was feeling kinda sick so I told her I would let her know. As a matter of fact I was supposed to hang out Friday night with some peeps but I let my boy know that I was having the runny nose/fever/cough/need-to-head-this-off-before-it-gets-worse thing going on. I ended up just staying in Friday night taking some Sudafed and drinking some lemon tea.

Let me do a short thing on lemon tea. Every time I get sick this is what I use to open my sinuses and to help break up the phlegm that needs to come up so that you can get better. All you need to do is roll some lemons and squeeze the juice in some water. Put the squeezed lemon halves in the water too and boil it on the stove. Add a teaspoon of sugar of Karo syrup--I guess you could actually use the sweetener of your choice but only use about a teaspoon just to take the edge off. (Ending two sentences with prepositions--JayBee you MUST be sick! Look back up at the bold words.)

Anyway after I got my haircut I and threw some stuff in a bag I headed down to Charlotte to hang. When I arrived I went to her hotel. I was not pleased. The hotel is called The Blake. It looks like an old LaQuinta Inn that the new owners have not yet gotten around to renovating. The plan was for me to crash there for the night, but once I arrived I made a quick decision to stay at the Omni. We left the hotel to grab a bite to eat. If you're ever in Charlotte you must try one of her most famous dives called Price's Chicken Coop. The locals affectionately refer to it as the "Chicken Coot". From there we headed to South Park mall. As we were leaving the mall we heard music wafting through the air and decided to investigate. They were having a jazz in the park type festival on the back side of the mall on a grassy knoll. The parking was kinda hectic so I decided to go to the VIP parking area. The attendant asked if we had the appropriate pass. I told him that I did not, but that I wished to park in the area anyway. He paused and then he relented. He told me what space to take and basically to act like I was supposed to be there. Tonya and I said that he must not know who we were because that would be a small feat.

We stayed for about 15 minutes because of the impromptu nature of this deviation from our plan less day. Everyone else had blankets, coolers, buckets of KFC, lawn chairs, etc. When we got back downtown we parked and decided to walk. Some stranger on the street asked me if I had change for one million dollars. I was in disbelief. I almost came to tears because he said it with such conviction. We decided to go to Ruth's Chris for dinner. When we arrived the hostess asked if we had a reservation. I told her no. She said all that was available right now was the bar and the patio. My body language let her know that I didn't find that acceptable. She said she'd go ahead and seat us in the dining room after I motioned Tonya toward the door. When we go to our seats we panned the restaurant. TUMBLEWEEDS. There was hardly anyone there. I think of about 50 tables maybe three had guests seated at them. Who was she trying to fool like it was standing room only in that joint. I knew there was no one there when we got there because it was so quiet.

I dropped her off at her hotel and I checked into the mine. I showered and got dressed to go out. After checking out a couple of spots downtown we ended up at The Forum. While waiting in line I decided to find out how much it was for the VIP line. Dude said $20 and you still have to pay the $10 cover. I was straight on that cause the regular line wasn't that long. After about two minutes the dude called me over and told me that I couldn't go inside with my hat on and to hide it. So I did and he motioned for Tonya and let us in the VIP line for free. There probably about 15 people in front of us and I'm sure they were wondering who we were.

It was a mixed crowd so I was feeling that part. The music was kinda wack for most of the night, but the mixed crowd thing was definitely a plus. I get tired of waiting on the fight/shootout at all black clubs. There were some people about to get in a fight and of course they all looked like me. I just don't get it. I'm JayBee bitch! After we got tired of the wackness of the music we posted up outside and went down to another club. We could hear the music from outside and it was even worse! I was not kicking out any more dough for another wack DJ Fumblefingers. Our purpose wasn't to meet people. We just went to have a good time. Here are some pics for your viewing pleasure.


With shades.


Here I am with red eyes.


Tonya thought she was the stuff last night!


Have a great week! Oh and I didn't mention that we all but got cussed out on the job on Thursday, but that's a whole 'nother post. See ya.

While You Were Out

I'm reclining in my bed as I type this post. I got off the road a little while ago from the A. I don't know what it is but I absolutely positively love the A. Yesterday evening I had dinner with a former coworker and one of her homegirls. The homegirl was cute. She was a little light skinned shorty with a fatty with relatively small breasts. They were cute and perky though. I wasn't pressed, but I asked her if she was hitched and she let me know that indeed she had locked her down a dude. I was thinking to myself, "Did you lock him down or did he lock you down?" Anyway dinner was straight and the convo was light and friendly. For those of you familiar with Atlanta we ate at Strip. When we finished eating, we went upstairs to chill/people watch for a few before we parted ways. When I got back to my hotel I had a friend roll through so we could "chill." The evening ended pretty good. Good azz and banging head. The head was actually ahead of the game. Was that corny?

On the way back the man stopped me again and gave me a speeding ticket. I maintain that I get these tickets because I'm black. It has absolutely nothing to do with how fast they allege that I was driving. That's $180 that I can flush down the toilet.

Also last night Chris Brown was downstairs at the bar of the hotel and the night before Usher walked by me as I was trying to check into the hotel. (Actually I was on my way to the bathroom while the guy behind the desk was verifying my reservation and running my card for incidentals.) He was with a female. I presume it was the woman he married last weekend. I didn't get a really good look at her though. I did scan to see if anyone else appeared to be with them and it didn't look like he was with an entourage.

On the job front I was recently made chair of the leadership team. My principal came up to me Friday telling me all this stuff I needed to do. I was like I'll handle it next week. I am not doing anything at 2:30 on Friday afternoon when we get off work at 3:45. I actually left at about 2:45, but you know what I'm sayin'.

My mind just jumped back to the celebrities. Did I tell ya'll that I want to be someone's personal assistant? Not because I see myself as a flunkie, but because I just want to be able to get into all the premiers and travel and whatnot. If I get a decent offer ($75,000) I'll hand in my letter of resignation "with all deliberate speed".*

In other news I started a campaign to lose some weight back in July. I actually have hit the 150 goal mark. I think I want to continue to about 148 just to be safe. I'll keep a good check on my weight and whenever I reach 152, I'll kick it into high gear to lose those extra 2-4 pounds. Now I just need to build some muscle so that I can be sho nuff fine! I mean if I'm moving to the A, I got to look good because I'm sure there's much competition.

Meanwhile I loaned a friend a few bucks that he promised to return this past weekend. Of course I haven't heard from him and I'm not going to call him anytime soon. If it goes for another two weeks I'll probably give him a call and request the funds. Whether he return the money at that point or not, it is safe to say that his credit is damaged with me. The realism is if you cannot meet an obligation to which you have previously agreed, have the decency to pick up the phone and let the creditor (in this case me) know the situation. I am very forgiving. I mean, I wouldn't loan someone something that would have me in dire straits. By not giving me a call though to let me know what's going on, it makes me feel that you'd rather shirk your responsibilities than to man up and take care of your business.

*A prize goes to whoever can tell me what popularized that particular phrase.

Random Thoughts

1. I started a new routine since beginning work again. I go to exercise each morning at 5:30 for about an hour, then come home get dressed and go to work. So far so good, but this morning the enemy tried to make me lie in the bed and not go. Get thee behind me Satan!

2. My boss asked me the other day when I was going to call a leadership team meeting. Mind you has not yet talked to me about being leadership chairperson. She sent a message through someone else asking me if I'd be interested. After some debate in my mind I agreed to do it. I had to think about it because last year I told her that I'd be interested in doing it. She gave it to someone else. That person is now in another role and can't do it. I guess that's why she decided to ask me if I'd be interested. On one hand I was offended because I felt like she should have given it to me when I inquired about it. Maybe she didn't feel that I was ready at the time to handle the responsibility. What convinced me to say yes is that it will look good on my resume. Anyway, so she has yet to step to me to officially let me know that I am leadership chairperson. Then all of a sudden I'm asked when I'm going to call a meeting as if to imply that I'm slackin' on my pimpin'. Naw, we ain't havin' that. I told her let's sit down so that we can discuss expectations.

3. How do you strike that balance between not seeming pressed but at the same time indicating your interest? There's this girl (well, woman--we're all grown up now) in whom I'm interested. (I almost said "...girl who I'm interested in", but my obsessive compulsive grammar disorder (OCGD) wouldn't let me, which is weird because I will use colloquialisms like wanna, gonna, etc.)We used to talk back in college. She lives in the ATL. I live in NC. I wanna spark things back up, but I can't tell exactly where her head is. The last time I saw her (about 3 weeks ago) we just kinda talked and whatnot at her spot, but I couldn't talk talk with her because one of her absolutely annoying homegirls was at the spot. This homegirl said a couple of times, "I need to take my azz home," and things of that nature, but next thing I know she done grabbed a blanket and got comfortable on the couch. I was thinking to myself, "Please, please take yo azz home. I got business to handle." Ole girl was like a tree planted by the river--I shall not be moved. Yeah, but I gotta let her know that I'm interested, but at the same time I don’t want to seem like I've been pinning away after her for a couple of years, because that's not the case. Like the old saying goes, you don't know what you have until it's gone.

4. I get so pissed off when my windshield wipers don't work. For whatever reason they work at their own leisure. The crazy thing is I recently had the 60,000 mile service done to the car (okay, it was like three months ago) but still they should have caught that/fixed that issue. When I take it back in I will definitely make sure that they are aware of the problem.

5. Hardly being a tv watcher, I feel so out of the loop about the current gossip and happenings in the world. If I don't find out on the courttv website or something like that I just won't know.

6. I have one friend who calls me daily. I need a good way to say to her that I enjoy conversing with her, but I cannot be productive/get any rest if I'm on the phone for 2 hours at a time. Again, I really do enjoy our conversations, but I don't wish to be tied up for that length of time. Who has 2 hour conversations anymore? Since my grandmother died, that's a thing of the past.

7. Perception is reality for most people. Do people see you differently from how you see yourself? Case in point: A curriculum facilitator (former teacher, now she tells other people how great a teacher she was when she was in the classroom) at my school gave a presentation and when it was over pulled me to the side and asked me my opinion about how she did. I thought she did fine. I asked why she asked me of all the 30 individuals in the room. Her response was because I'm so critical. I really don't know a time when this woman has had opportunity to interact with me and make this assessment. Further I disagree with the assertion. Perhaps I should have requested proof in Whitney Houston-esque fashion ("Show me the receipts!") to substantiate her, in my humble opinion, unfounded claim.

Preachers Gone Wild

I guess it's time for me to weigh in on what has happened. In case you live in the back woods, renowned prophetess* Juanita Bynum was assaulted by her estranged husband. According to the reports that I have read she and her husband were having dinner at a restaurant near Hartsfield Jackson in Atlanta. (Well really it's in College Park, but you know what we're saying.) Somewhere along the way they had a discussion that apparently got kinda heated and outside the restaurant/hotel (not clear on which one) her husband, Bishop Thomas Weeks III (yes I put the whole government out there) hit choked, and stomped on her. The alleged assault continued until a bellman pulled him off her. Just a little more background. They got married in 2002 in a very lavish televised ceremony. He was already a bishop and she was already in heavy rotation in all the church markets (TBN/with Bishop Jakes/hosting her own empowerment conferences, one of her most famous ones is "No More Sheets").

Apparently a while back Weeks told his congregation that there was trouble in paradise and Juanita would be having a less active role in the ministry. Basically if she came to church she would be holding down a pew instead of preaching.

Several things come to mind about this situation. Is he jealous of her success? I would argue that she is leaps and bounds more popular than he is. I have heard a rumor that the reason that they were separated in the first place is that Juanita questioned some of the close relationships he has with some of the male members of the congregation. Did she call him a faggot and is that when he beat the sh*t out of her? Also, to stomp on someone is indicative of the passion with which you despise them.

At first he didn't turn himself in to the authorities. Now he has turned himself in, been released on bond and --get this-- has entered a NOT GUILTY plea. WTF? So let me get this straight, you jumped on her in a parking lot, and ole dude had to pull you off her and you want us to waste time and energy on a fuggin' not guilty plea? This negro better not use a self defense argument, lest I drive to Duluth and smack him myself.

I'm getting ready to make a confession. As I am a full participant of this capitalistic society I have already developed a plan to take this unfortunate set of circumstances and turn it into a huge money maker. You know how gullible and pliable church people are. I'm certain that my idea can work. I was even reading some stuff online where people were saying let's just pray for him and whatnot. They didn't feel like he needed to go to jail. He just needs prayer. Why can't we pray for him while he's in jail?

One thing that is significant for me is how people already have so much ought against preachers. For him to do this only reinforces some of the negative views that some people harbor. I can hear someone saying, "I might not go to church, but at least I don't beat my wife." On some levels they would be justified. How do you step to this person to convince them that church can make a difference for them? What people, particularly, those who wear the cloth have to be sensitive to is that they are being watched. If he causes droves of people to leave the church/terminate their active relationships with God, then their blood will be on his hands.

*prophetess: She's supposed to be able have information/potential events revealed to her by divine providence. She couldn't foresee that azz whoopin'?

Just One of them Days

I had one of them days today. I had to get some stuff straight for my job. I left home around 9 o'clock and pretty much ran around all day trying to get everything handled. I hate to say it but when you have to interface with black institutions, processes just don't seem to go smoothly. (This is your captain speaking....we are about to experience a run-on sentence. Please buckle your safety belts.) It's almost as if each office doesn't know exactly what the next office does and since they don't know and they might not even know what their office is supposed to do, everybody just shoos you from place to place with the hope that someone who actually knows what needs to be done will find you and guide you to the correct path.

Right now I have a slight headache. I don't know if it's the chaotic state that I found everything in today as I tried to handle my business, the heat or a combination of the two.

All day Saturday I hung with a friend of mine who I've talked about before--I don't remember the fake name I used so I'll just use her real name (Tonya). Tonya, a couple of her cousins and I went to this thing for Tonya's job. It's was one of those back-to-school-unite-the community-we'll-give-you-free-haircuts/supplies-if you-come-and-don't-show-out sort of things. Before we could leave Paul locked his keys in the car and they had to open it with a wire hanger. In the new world order with AAA, I was shocked that anyone still has wire hangers in the trunk in 2007. Am I just being bougie? (sp) Once they got in the car we came to my spot to pick up some stuff for the night and headed to Tonya's mom's house. That's the usual meeting spot for drinks/cards/dancing/cuttin' up. I actually didn't want to hang too long and I was ready to go around midnight. I didn't drive and Tonya didn't feel like taking me home so I just took her car so that I could crash. I was invited to stay but there would have been like 10 of us trying to stay in one three bedroom house. Not feeling that at all so I went on home. We had a decent time though. I can say that this is the first time we had one of those sessions and I left with the same amount of clothes that I arrived with. Typically I get into stripper mode and start entertaining the ladies....(Tonya, her cousin Dot, Tonya's mom and whomever else happens to be there for the show).

I was kinda reluctant to leave the ATL. I really like it there. I can't wait to move. The hotel I stayed in was fly and I had such a good time. The realism is that I spent way too much money and I have very little tangible stuff to show for it, but as one of my coworkers said, I have my memories. All except for V-8 that is.

V-8

I'm typically not always this forward but sometimes some things just need to be said. I had the worst sex that I've ever had last night. It was sooo bad. One of my idiosyncrasies is that I'm not really touchy feely, but in the bedroom I expect lots of touchy feely/affectionate bordering on dirty talk, petting panting etc. Well it didn't go down like that. I had not seen this girl in like months and months but I didn't really expect things to go any differently. She was almost lifeless and completely emotionless. I almost asked her why she even let me come through. I got up from the bed WITHOUT getting a nut and got in my car and drove back to my hotel.

Quick education: The difference between men and women is that when women have sex they may have an orgasm. However, when a man has sex he is guaranteed to have an orgasm. Let me restate-I walked away without getting my rocks off and drove home. I'm not going to bore you with any of the dialogue between she and I (I was bored and I was there) but I remember the ride home last night as extremely funny.

It was so bad that I almost don't want to have sex anymore until I get married. I'm not exaggerating. It was that bad! If you've seen Waiting to Exhale there's a scene when this dude is with Lela Rochan and he's pumping away and she's looking so uninvolved/blowed because ole dude thought he was beatin' it up. The director lets us hear her thoughts as he's pumping and grinding and whatnot and she thinks, "I coulda had a V-8." So that's my new nickname for her--V-8.

In other news I took some me time to relax. I'm in the ATL, which is where I plan to move next year. It's been quite enjoyable up until this point with the exception of V-8. I have never been more repulsed.

Prior to this I spent two weeks in the 'boro attending a workshop where I was subtly and not so subtly insulted. The purpose of the workshop as I understood it was to provide strategies to help increase test scores. What they actually did was treat us (about 70 math teachers at failing schools) like we didn't have degrees in math. The first day the dude "taught" us how to solve equations! That offended my sensibilities, but because they were giving us $4000 for it I was able to take it just like I planned to take them duckets!

Also my mother's husband got his other leg cut off the other day. I don't know if I mentioned on here about the right one getting cut off, but if I didn't just know that now they are both gone. You have to be careful how you treat people or bad things will happen to you.

The realism is that one of the biggest lies ever told is that sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt. For my biblical scholars we know that life and death are in the power of the tongue. If you can speak life or doom to a situation, how then can you not all the more say things that are a minimum hurtful? I mean life/death vs. hurting someone's feelings. I don't think that there is any comparison. I know this is kinda random but I needed to say that.

New Orleans

On Wednesday, July 11, I got up a little after 4 am to make my way to the airport for my 6 o'clock flight. I got there at about 5:37 and was told it was too late to check my bags so they would have to be checked once I passed through security. I had to actually leave them in the jetbridge(you know that long corridor that you walk down to get to the plane itself) and they took them from there. The flight was cool, but we caught the airport shuttle to our hotel. We were in town for a conference of about 8,000 people. Of course everyone else was trying to catch the shuttle as well. AFter about two hours of waiting and flaring tempers we finally were able to hop on a shuttle so we could check into our hotel.

***********************************************

(don't you love when they do that in books to mean time has passed?)

We head to the convention center for the opening session. When I left the opening session I went to this place called
Mother's Restaurant. I thought it was pretty cool. From there I went on a haunted history tour where I got to see parts of the French Quarter under realtively calm conditions.

The next day after the sessions I saw the new Harry Potter movie and then joined my party for a meal at a restaurant in the French Quarter. We left the restaurant and headed to Bourbon Street. I can just imagine how wild it is during Mardi Gras. We went in this one bar and Mark paid for the waitress to deliver me a shot. Why did the waitress also double as a stripper?!! She started grinding on me and took two tubes that contained the shots (like test tubes) inserted them in her mouth and went back and forth a couple of times (so you know what it looked like) bent me back and them put the opening in my mouth while I drank them. Let me find out that everytime you order something, it comes with a quick lap dance! We continued on Bourbon street and then hit Harrah's casino. Played a hand of black jack, listened to the other people at the table (so not like me to listen to others but I'm trying to be more receptive to other people's ideas because I typically disregard what other people have to say) and lost the hand. I decided that the casino was not for me so I left.

On Friday I went to Emeril's for lunch and wound back up at the casino. This time I played the slots and won a couple dollars. When I played the video poker machines I won over $100. I cashed out and left. We did a river boat cruise and then headed back to Bourbon Street. We hung out on Bourbon for a few hours and then went to sleep since was had to catch the shuttle in the moring at 7:30 a.m.

In my haste to pack my bags Saturday morning, I inadvertently left the valet key to my car and my headphones in the top drawer in the room. Of course I didn't remember utnil I got to the airport. I called the hotel and let them know and they packed my stuff and mailed it out that day. When I got the airport back home I called a locksmith to open my car for me. He got it open, but charged me more because of the type of car (Jaguar Vanden Plas). I checked the armrest for my keys when I remembered that I locked them in the glove box and the only way for me to get in the glove box is with the key that's somewhere between the SpringHill Suites Convention Center and here. I started to rent a car but Ms. Lee got me to wait a day before renting it so that I wouldn't have to pay any extra money, especially since I'll have to pay like $50 to get me car out of long term parking at the airport once the key does finally arrive.

Overall the trip was straight. I just hate that I left that key. THe realism is that sometimes s*#t happens.

On the grind

So I'm doing the exercise and eat right/portion control thing. It is slowly working to help me reach my goal. So far I've been able to---
Jim Lehr: Hold it! We interrupt this blog posting to bring you some breaking news straight out of the channel seven news room.
Kathy Minks: This just in Jim. JayBee joined a gym.
Jim Lehr: Kathy what did you say? He joined a gym? Are you sure? That doesn't sound like him.
Kathy: Well, Jim, it's true. He actually paid an enrollment fee and joined a gym. And get this, he's been going everyday.
Jim: What does he do when he gets there?
Kathy: Sources close to JayBee say that he's doing aerobics and such and also messing around with some weights. It's an attempt to let Mr. Timberlake know that he isn't the only one.
Jim: The only one what, Kathy?
Kathy: That can bring sexy back (here). Kathy Minks channel seven news room signing off. Back to you Jim.
Jim: Well there you have it folks. JayBee is trying get in shape. We now rejoin the regularly scheduled blog posting already in progress.

I want to lose weight for my long term health. When I signed on to the 50 million pound challenge web site and put in my weight and height I realized that I am labeled as overweight. As my principal would say, "We cain't (not can't but cain't) haa (have) dat!"

I won't pretend that I haven't done some of the no-nos like eating fried foods. I had some Captain D's last night. I can say though that I don't eat those things daily--at most I'd eat something like that once a week. Funny thing is while I'm eating it for whatever reason I don't enjoy it like I used to because I feel guilty knowing that what I'm eating is not a part of what I should be eating. Anyway let me stop obsessing about portion sizes and cruches lest someone think there's a anorexic white girl trapped in my body attempting to break free.

This past weekend I helped one of my friends (Tracey) move into her new apartment. She was just moving from the first floor to the second floor. She and her roommate decided to go their separate ways, but it was an amicable ending. Prior to me arriving she had told me that most of the stuff had already been moved. I was skeptical because I know her and I know her kind. When I arrived I had some words for her! I couldn't beleive that she hadn't really packed as much as she could have and I couldn't believe that she thought the dining room table and chairs constituted "most". Once we got everything moved in we went to Chilli's to grab a bite to eat. (Not on the meal plan). When I woke up the next morning I went for a swim and to exercise in the onsite weight room. When I got back Tracey's mom fixed Newguy and I some banging turkey and cheese omletes. (Newguy is my friend's new beau. I'm not sure she's really into Newguy. I think she's just tired of being single. A couple of months ago Newguy wrecked her car, but that's a whole 'nother blog.). Later that day Tracey, her mom, Newguy and I went to the farmer's market to get some fresh veggies for lunch. We came back to the apartment and Tracey's mom cooked some squash, potatoes and we had some store bought, albeit succulent rotisserie chicken. (also not on the meal plan).That evening we met a mutual friend at Twisted Fork at Triangle Towne Center. I've never really been a fan of this place but Tracey likes it so I agreed. What's friendship without compromise? I had a cuban panini that had a thick stack of ham slices, pork loin, cheese and toasted bread on each side. (definetely not on the meal plan). We made plans to go to the movies the next day.

I had a workshop to attend from 8:30a-4:30p. We had bagels and cream cheese and stuff like that to snack on in addition to sodas, coffee and water to drink. I happen to like bagels and cream cheese so I helped myself to two. I also had a little Sprite and water to drink. (more stuff not on the meal plan). Before going to the movies that evening Tracey and I went to Firebirds or something like that at North Hills. I only ordered a salad, but still not on the meal plan. When I got back to Greensboro to weigh in, I had gained two pounds back that I had lost. Two pounds in one weekend! I must stick to my plan. I love hanging in Raleigh, but I cannot lose weight if I eat like that when I'm there. What makes it so bad is that I actually packed all the stuff I would need to eat for the few days that I was scheduled to be down there. I somehow though, never got around to that stuff.

Three down, sixteen to go

So I'm trying to lose weight. On Tuesday my weight was 167 pounds. That means that I am overweight for my height. I'm only 5'6". I should weigh around 150 pounds. To that end, I am doing what I need to do to get myself to that target weight. I've adopted a diet to help me jumpstart the weight loss and I'm exercising daily. I'm also pretty much only drinking water and lots of it.Today I just weighed in at 164. I'm pleased and all the more determined now. Because of that small victory I now believe that I can do it. Once I drop the weight, I plan to tone everything up so that I can have the type of body that I want. The next goal is to weigh in at 157 pounds no later than July 4th. From there I want to be at the target weight no later than July 20th. If I should reach these milestones sooner, I'll be certain to let you know.

A Trip

So I'm back from the ATL. I hung out with a friend of mine and one of her friends last night. It was really good to see members of my family. Even people from the side of the family that I don't fool with showed up. The interesting part is I didn't hear any cursing, arguing and there wasn't a fight. Score one for civilized family members. (I guess years of drug abuse and the ensuing health related issues has a subduing effect on ya.)

The wedding took place at a park under a gazebo. It was quaint. The ceremony was no more than 20 minutes although it started about 45 minutes late. Someone left the veil for the dress and they had to go back to retrieve it. After the ceremony why did I have to carry my chair from the gazebo to the reception hall. Everything took place on the grounds of the park but the trek to the building where we ate had to be 1/2 mile away from the gazebo. Now don't get me wrong. I can use some exercise. It's just that I've never been somewhere as a guest where I had to B.Y.O.C. (bring your own chair)!! The minister said none of the ladies should be carrying chairs and he urged the men to carry the chairs.

Why do people make those statements? My gender has absolutely nothing to do with what I "should" be doing. People are so stuck in gender roles. At the end of the day, how you treat people is all that really matters. Alas, I digress. Anyway, is there going to be a new rule that says everyone should travel with a folding chair and a folding table in their trunk? After all you never know when you'll get an invitation that says B.Y.O.C. / B.Y.O.T.

At some point after the reception was pretty much over and people had begun to make their way back home or elsewhere, there was this girl who said I reminded her of Bobby Valentino. I don't really see it. The only things we have in common are that we are short, have black hair and are both brown skinned. The crazy part is that I had been joking with my cousins earlier about how the paparazzi was stalking me. Most of them were outside when the girl was talking to me. She then asked me for a picture to show to her friends or whatnot. When she walked off I was like "Damned paparazzi!"

My cousins were in disbelief. Of course I acted like this sort of thing happened all the time. I found one of the people who was helping out at the wedding and asked who the girl was and who was checking the guest list because, of course, I didn't feel like the paparazzi stalking me....I continued on that lil paparzzi tirade for a little while.

Another interesting thing that was a trip was that my brother's new wife didn't approach my mother at the table to speak. Oh what a tangled web we weave said the spider to the fly. I'll keep ya posted on what happens next. They did eventually speak to each other but only when we were leaving as the young lady galavanted around the room talking to her friends and others, but never once walked her azz over to my mother to say cat, dog, bye---NOTHING! That is not a good sign, especially since that was my first time meeting her. When I introduced myself, as I could tell she had not intentions of approaching me, I gave her a hug and told her that I was Eric's older brother. She was like I know you. I had to correct her. She only knows of me. I think T.I. put it quite eloquently when he said, "Pussy nigga yown know me!" The realism is, she's in for a rude awakening if she pulls another stunt like that. She earned two strikes on the same day.

This is completely unrelated, but I hate when people volunteer me for something without asking me first. Even if I'm available, the fact that you volunteer me without clearing it first virtually ensures that I will not do whatever it is you volunteered me to do.

Wedding

So I'm in Acworth, Georgia, for my younger brother's wedding. It's at two and I'm just kinda laying around the hotel chilling. Yesterday on the drive down there was a bad accident on 85S so I was literally parked on the highway for about two hours. If you've never been stuck in traffic that long you don't konw what you're missing. After a while people start getting out of their cars and migrating toward each other and perfect strangers strike up conversations extolling the quick response time of the emergency service vehicles arriving on the scene but cursing the snail's pace at which they can clear the road and get traffic flowing again. So anyway, after I got through that I checked into the hotel, grabbed a bite a Shoney's, made the obligatory small talk with family members and crashed.

I woke up this morning to the sound of someone banging on my hotel room door. I knew immediately that the police-like knock was from none other than my early to rise niece. She woke me (actually I was already awake, just in bed) to see if I wished to partake in the continental breakfast offered by the hotel. The realism is she just wanted to spend some time with me so I got up and got ready. While getting ready my mother knocked on my door with the same inquiry. I told her that I'd be getting ready and accompanying her.

Now I'm back in the room and just decided to blog.

Since I'm blogging, let me just ask something. Why does it seem that the people who don't really know anything are the ones who always get promoted? Or the people who's past performance has been lackluster at best?

On a positive note I got invited to the High Schools that Work conference this summer. Quick background: Major conference about all the good things high schools should be doing to be effective. Those in attendance are the gurus/know-it-alls in their respective roles. This will be a good opportunity to network and since it's in New Orleans, it will also be a good time to hang out. I hope they've taken care of all the E. coli bacteria and malaria virus and whatnot. Salmonella doesn't go with any of my outfits. Until later.

The Power of "If"

Have you ever heard someone make a half-apology like this: "If I did something wrong/to offend you..."? Let's examine what's really going on in this person's head.

Prefacing the apology with if allows the apologizer to feel as if s/he actually did nothing wrong. If indicates uncertainty. It is almost as if they are only making the statement in an attempt to pacify you. Although they don't really feel any responsibility for how you feel, they are trying to be the bigger person to repair the rift in the broken relationship.

On the surface, the if-type apology sounds sincere. If you aren't careful the very elect might be fooled. (Bible reference, for those who didn't catch it) However, upon closer examination, you quickly realize that the person delivering the if apology doesn't really feel responsible for the current state of affairs in a relationship. More than likely, they probably feel that the person to whom they are issuing the if-apology is being over dramatic or unnecessarily sensitive. In a sense, they feel okay because they think they are saying what you want to hear--the I'm sorry part--but at the same time are playing a game of emotional semantics that builds distance between your feelings and their role in creating that space in which you reside.

This ability to almost apologize for some offense, regardless of the severity, speaks to the person's overall character. The person who consistently issues the if-apology is skilled at deceit. I submit to you that it is a great deception to deliver an apology that asks for forgiveness while at the same time subtly implies that the apologizer really did nothing wrong in the first place; the apologee just needs to develop a thicker skin and get over it.

I guess what's most disturbing is that the person who issues the if-apology really never has to admit his/her shortcomings, because in their mind it really isn't their fault. They just think that others are overly sensitive and need to be coddled. In many cases it is probably a lack of nurturing in their youth that causes them to distance themselves from emotion.

What a quixotic dream to think that someone who in their own mind never does anything wrong, can actually be sorry for something that they have done. The realism is, a person who issues if-apologies probably has much deeper issues than a mere refusal to accept responsibility for their actions. Someone recently gave me an if-apology and immediately I became indignant for the aforementioned reasons. Not only that, an if-apology has at is core a manipulative intention. You only issue the half-apology in an attempt to regain whatever trust you perceive you have lost. Once you feel that you have regained it, chances are that you will slip back into the old habits and the necessity for subsequent if-apologies will ensue.

I'm Gonna Get U Sucka!

So, today at school we had a lot of kids either absent or sign out early to go home. Apparently there was a rumor floating around that some boy was going to blow up the school. Then, there was this other rumor that another boy was going to shoot up the school. These competing rumors had several students on edge. It was kind of odd to me because of the culture of our school. To understand what I'm talking about think "Lean On Me" and you have the idea of the type of school at which I work. (I almost wrote "...that I work in", but the compulsive grammar freak that lies within wouldn't let me end a sentence with a preposition) How can these bad azz wanna be gangstas be afraid because someone made a threat? Now, I realize we live in a different world now and that we have to take threats that people make seriously. I was just taken aback that these hardcore wanna be thugs would be running scared!

They have this saying that they use called, "..testin' my gangsta." Let me use it in a scenario in case you've never heard it or don't know what it means.

Person one: If you don't shut up I'm gonna slap you.
Person two: You're gonna slap who? You ain't gonna slap nobody.
Person one: Don't be testing my gangsta!

I guess it's like don't test me to see whether or not I'm brave or have heart. Well anyway, like I said a lot of them stayed home or left early. I can't wait until Monday to let them know that someone threatened them and instead of them staying at school they ran like some #*&^!@%. It did make for an easy day though.

A Change Gonna Come

One of my favorite artists is Sam Cooke. Even though he recorded albums long before my arrival on earth, I like the way the songs he sang seem to just have been tailor made for him. Today I've been listening to his greatest hits cd. That's where the inspiration came from for the title.

The job: One of the persons who works with me will not be returning this year. Of course this is not the only person who will not be returning, but this person holds a pretty high position in the school. Now that she will not be returning, I'm curious as to who will be found to replace her and what things they can bring to the position. The person who is currently in the position does a good job, but she is overworked and underpaid. There just isn't enough time in the day for her to do everything. Well actually, there would be enough time if she did only the things that were in her job description instead of being given administrative tasks to do all the time. Without out the extra work she would be in a better position to focus on what she should be doing--helping teachers.

I haven't checked in much on the home front lately. One of the main reasons is that I just don't want too much to do with that down there. I disagree with the decision that my mother made, but I do respect it. We each have to live our own lives and people need to do what they feel is best for them. Because I disagree and I don't have very much nice to say to or about him*, I just don't call very much because I'm just not feeling it at all. I'm not bitter. I'm just not feeling it, if that makes any sense. some might argue that I must be bitter, but that isn't the case. When I turn your page, then it's over. Come hell or high water, it's over!

I did learn that the doctors were recommending amputation one of his* toes or either one of his* feet. This may seem harsh, but I really only want my brothers and sisters to call me about his* situation when it is near death. Call me when we he's* on life support and we need to make a decision. Of course, I'm voting to pull the plug. My argument, should that time arise, will be that we must "...accept what God allows."

Lord if there is any hatred in my heart, please remove it. I can honestly say that there is no hatred that I perceive. But, if there is, I would like it moved because I know that I can't make it in that way. (If you don't know what I'm referring to by make it in, I mean Heaven.) One of the truest sayings on earth is that time heals all wounds. I'm still healing. It's still gonna take a while.

FYI, one of the things that I need to add to my list of dislikes is a hypocrite. I absolutely cannot stand a hypocrite! That is one of the non profane words that I can use to describe him*. He absolutely embodies the term.

I'm not going to expend energy though being upset. I'm going to find ways to heal so that I will not repeat the mistakes of the past and be the best man that I can be. At the end of the day, that's all I want. I want to be the type of man of whom God and my mother can be proud. The realism is, I'm learning a little more about becoming that man each day. I constantly learn more things about myself.

Off the subject, my back is still hurting a little bit. I presume it's from that fall that I had a few weeks back.

The African Children's Choir

So, I've slacked off on the posting. What else is new? Today I graded some papers, keyed in the grades and tomorrow I'm going to distribute progress reports to anyone in my AFM class who is failing. We don't want to have any drama toward the end of the nine weeks. I had a filling meal today of not tender enough roast, macaroni and cheese, okra, rice and gravy.

Yesterday a colleague invited me to attend a performance at a sister/partner church of theirs in Durham. Me and some others went down and the performance was unlike anything I had ever seen. It was the African Children's Choir in concert. If you aren't familiar with the ACC, every 15 months a new choir is commissioned with new children. Typically the childrens' ages range from 10 - 12. In this year's cohort there are 9 males and 12 females. The children hail from Uganda, Rwanda and various other countries in Africa. The inaugural choir first performed in 1984. The children travel around the US singing and raising money to send back to African to fund research into stopping the spread of AIDS and to helping find a cure. While the children stay here in the US they study, pray, rehearse their songs and are involved in academic pursuits.

Because the children are of African origin, the children donned intricate stage clothes and their songs were accompanied by dance that I assume is real "African" dance--definitely no Americanized.

Blow by blow

Monday: Went to drop off my W-2 forms to an old coworker of mine. Her mate does taxes and had agreed to prepare mine. Dropped clothes off at the cleaners, which by the way is no longer the $1.50 cleaners but is now the $1.60 cleaners. I had never been to this cleaners before, but I had seen it. When I got inside the first thing I saw was a large sign that said payment must be made when you put the clothes in to be cleaned. I thought it odd that I had to pay before I received the service.

Tuesday: Chilled at home. Cooked me some salmon patties, rice and corn. It was banging. Procrastinated about some work that I had to turn in, then finally got started on it. I knew I had to at least start it today if I wanted to finish it by tomorrow. Got the code to compile and run.

Wednesday: Went to the job because my printer is out of toner. It has been out of toner for like 8 months so I've just been using the school's stuff. Every now and then I might shake the toner cartridge, but most of the time I just go to the school. When I got to the building I saw Mrs. W in the front office. I estimate that she's about 65 or so, but she looks really good for her age(or at least the age I think she might be based on how she speaks). She works in another area of the school but was filling in because the front office staff is on spring break. This lady has such presence. I can hardly leave once she starts talking because she's so animated and so entertaining. She knows everything that is going on in the building, in the town and on the news. I finally managed to pry myself away from her so that I could go to my classroom and get the rest of my work done. I finished my work and said my goodbyes and was on my way.

Thursday: I got a call (message) from my old coworker letting me know that she didn't see my W-2 forms. She wanted to know if I changed my mind and picked them back up because she said she saw the note I left, but didn't see the forms themselves. Well when I heard the message after I left the barber shop I promptly raced over to her job to give her copies of my W-2 forms, all the while kicking myself for leaving my information out without securing it properly. I placed it in her chair under her sweater. In my mind I was thinking that would be okay because the placed looked quiet and I didn't really see a lot of people standing around outside the room. So I left them there and just closed the door. Well my mind started running and made me imagine someone sneaking in the room and rifling through her things, finding my information in some diabolic scheme to steal my identity/or do some unsavory things to adversely affect my credit history.

Prior to me leaving to go to the barbershop and over to her job, I returned a missed call to my brother. He needed to borrow some money. Why was it just a little bit more than the same amount that I had budgeted for my trip to the atl? Plans CANCELLED! I had planned to leave after leaving the barbershop, but I changed my mind and decided to just stay here. Since I only get paid once a month I have to spend money according to the day. When I spend I have to check the calendar. I don't like to spend hundred of dollars on shopping or whatever and it's only the 5th of the month. That needs to wait until the 15th or so. The closer I get to pay day the easier it is for me to spend.

Friday: Woke up thinking about how I said I was gonna blog more. The realism is that I haven't. To make up for not blogging as much I decided to do a run down of what I could remember from this week. I hope I can forgive me. I said 'me' because I'm the only person who really reads the blog.

Week Wrap Up

Today we start our spring break from work. This has been a long time coming. I came home today, undressed and just chilled. As a matter of fact, I'm still just kinda chillin. I opted not to go to Moultrie to attend my great aunt's funeral. Before you start being all judgemental saying how I'm wrong, just hear me out. I don't like to drive long distances. It would take me about nine hours to get to where the funeral is being held on tomorrow at 11:00 a.m. I saw her last this past Christmas. I'm glad I saw her and I'm at peace with it. It doesn't mean anything that I'm not going to be in attendance except that I just don't feel like that long ride.Even though I'm off from work, I still have obligations here in the 'boro. It would have been a lot on me to drive down there for Saturday and need to be back here on Monday.

When I went to work today I closed my door and got to work. I had to finish my grades and whenever I'm working on a tedious task, I like to have quiet so that I can focus on what I'm doing and finish as quickly as possible.

I'm happy that I finally turned in some paper work that I had been carrying around for almost two months. I'm such a procrastinator. I always make excuses for why I can't turn it in today and just kept putting it off. I'm also relieved to find out that my driving privilege has been reinstated. These police officers better watch out! Stop me if you think you bad cause I'ma have some words for the next officer who stops me for driving while black. One time I was even asked to take a sobriety test, which of course I passed because I was not drunk. The next time an officer asks me to do a sobriety test I will refuse to comply. I'm going to tell him, "I ain't playin' yo monkey games. I will take a breathalyzer, but I will not subject myself to these degrading exercises." If I don't say that verbatim, it'll be close.

What do ya'll think about this Inmate Idle? If you haven't heard there's this prison that has allowed it's nonviolent offenders to participate in a contest that is based on the popular television show American Idol. I'm not sure what the winner will receive (early release 5-10 instead of 8-15?), but I guess I'm cool with them having a way to channel their energy into something other than harming each other.

Early last Sunday morning, I dreamed about death. Specifically the death of the man who they say is my father. The dream even provided me a range of the time for him to die: from March 22 to March 30. Well today is March 31 and he called me. Needless to say, my dream did not come true. Even though the dream focused on him, maybe it was a sign about the great aunt who died on Tuesday. Sometimes dreams use a particular person/event to represent another person/event. Maybe that's what happened here. I had my hopes up though.

I need to start doing posts that are more upbeat. Tomorrow I need to be fitted for a tux because I'm the best man for my brother's wedding. Gotta have my sexy on. If I get my business handled by Tuesday, I think I might go out of town on Wednesday. I want to go to Six Flags in atl. I haven't been to a theme part in about two years. Theme parks are one of the things in life that make me happy. The realism is, I trust so few people to go out of town with, that if my regulars are unavailable, I just may have to go by myself. I don't really have a problem with that though. Some of my friends can't imagine doing things on their own. And if I did roll solo, I could do some digging around you know who to see what she's living like and whether or not there's space for me.

I have so many clothes that need to be washed that it makes no sense. I guess it's a blessing though that I can go for over a month without washing clothes and still be okay. I've got to try to make sure that I don't let these clothes pile up like this again. A part of me knows though, that this will inevitably happen again because that's just how I do.

Why did one of my students call me last night to ask me about a jacket? I was too outdone. Holla atcha lata.

I'm Back

So I've just been working and stuff over the past couple of weeks. You should see the inside of my bedroom. There are clothes everywhere! When I get home from work I just strip and hop in the bed. I usually watch a little t.v. (or let it watch me) and just kinda unwind. As a result of the routine that I have used for the past several days, my bedroom is in disarray. I'll try to fix that some time in the near future.

Anyway, this weekend was pretty cool. Some peoples we know came back home to visit. We just all hung out or whatever and played catch-up. Everybody in the group seems to be doing pretty good so I was pleased about that. One person is doing extremely well job wise. I'm happy for him. I hate to see when someone starts doing well other people get jealous.

There wasn't very much drama and so I enjoyed myself. Me and one of my main roll dogs went over to T's house to get ready to go out. Stop acting like ya'll don't know what that means. When we say get ready we mean to partake in some libations in preparation of the ensuing evening. After that we went back to our spot (I'm there so much I call it home) to get dressed. After she and I debated for a while we decided to just call it an early night.

The next day (Sunday) I got up to get ready for church. After church we met up with our peeps again and had lunch before everybody had to go their separate ways.

In between all of this I was somewhat preoccupied, particularly Sunday morning because I knew I had some work that HAD to be finished by Monday afternoon. True to myself, I had waited until the eleventh hour to begin. I just let from turning in the assignment a little while ago and so now all is right with the world. I'll keep you guys posted and I'll make sure I blog more often.

I think the reason that I haven't blogged in a couple of weeks is that I was just in a real reflective place. The realism is I wasn't sure how I was feeling about life in general and I didn't want to bring any negative energy to blogworld. So now since I'm in different space, I'm back on to blogging at least three times per week I hope. Until the next time....

Update

So the plan was a trip to try to get things to end by exploring legal options. I spoke with her and she assured me that everything was okay and not to worry. The past is the past, so to speak. Her focus right now is to help him become independent through the therapy and whatever. Maybe I didn't mention it before, but he is also like 90% blind. She said she was fine and I believed her. I was able to release the sleepless nights and the plotting and scheming just with her saying that everything was okay. Like I said, I believed her.

The workday started with an early morning meeting. It was kinda funny because the lady we were meeting with all but refused to address our concerns. She probably doesn't think we know what we're talking about. Can you guess her race? Can you guess ours? (The group of people who work with me). Why do they think that we don't know anything?

The day went pretty smoothly for me. I wasn't tormented and distracted by thoughts of what I should do to rescue her. I did have one of my students to go to lunch and not return. Oh, we can't have that! I'm going to get him tomorrow. I have to come up with something really good. He's a nice young man, but the realism is he must be punished.

Let me clarify

When I said in the post on 03/04/07, that I grew up in an abusive household at the time I meant emotional/mental abuse. I learned this week though that in fact, it included physical abuse as well. I was oblivious to this. I had no earthly idea. A part of me wonders how she was able to hide it. After I got over the initial shock of it (actually I'm still a little discombobulated), I decided to go put a plan into action. I don't want to reveal too many of my cards right now, but I'll update you all later this week on how phase one of my plan goes.

Until then, pray for me. Pray for her. Pray for my siblings. Even pray the God has mercy on his soul. I'm so happy that I can honestly say that I'm not bitter. I thank God for that. We cannot undo the past, but we can stack the deck in our favor for the future. If my plan works, I'm gonna have a shout that won't wait!

In other news, I went to the MEAC championship game last night in Raleigh. It was okay. We got VIP treatment. Yeah, I know it's not like it was the Grammy Awards or anything, but it was kinda cool. You know, separate entrance, different parking lot, special floor seating, a box with a nice food spread--all the stuff that I assume is customary with VIP treatment. I wouldn't know, since it was my first time. Also Regina Bell was there. She sung that song from Aladdin--you know the one I'm talking 'bout. I can't remember the name. The one that's a duet. I think it starts off like, "I can show you the world..."

This week promises to be quite busy for me. We have the writing test on Tuesday, early release on Wednesday, a meeting early Wednesday morning, I have classes on Monday and Wednesday, I need to get my taxes done this week and get my brake pads and rotors put on my car. It would have been done on Saturday, but the guy waited too long to call me. He didn't call me until around 1 something when he said he'd call by eleven that morning. Mind you I made a blank trip over there around 9 something that morning. I only made the trip because they should have had what I needed by that time since it had been a week or so since I asked them to order the parts. The realism is they probably ordered the parts that same day, which is why he couldn't call me til 1 or so because he had to go pick up the parts. Like I oftentimes say, "We just gon do whateva."

How I'm Livin'

Since Thursday I haven't slept very much due to the shocking revelation of which I learned recently. I promise I'll fill everyone in later. Just know that now I am feeling well and am in pretty good spirits. I am currently devising a plan to put right what once went wrong...

In other news:

* Why is there so much drama on the job? The way they rate people is based on how high your test scores are. The problem with that type of rating system is that with each new set of kids everything is different. So you're really only as good as the last set of test scores. That makes it easy to fall out of the good graces.

* I am not fond of manual labor. I agreed to help a friend move some furniture this morning. I wish she'd hurry up and get ready so we can get started. That's the reason I decided to blog--because she's taking her sweet time.

* For anyone else who was actually a Whitney fan, did you believe the story about her and Ray J? By the way, when is her new album coming out? I hope she records "Family First" again. (You know, the song from Daddy's Little Girl's)

* I'm already looking forward to the holidays this year. Somehow, I have a feeling that everything is going to be so much better this time around.

* My old college roommate (the first one) gave me a call earlier this week. I have yet to return his call. It's just because I've been so preoccupied. I definitely have to make time today to give him a holla. I treated him like a brother, as he did me. He would always encourage me to go to class--even when his lazy, unmotivated self had no intention of going himself. I got much love for him.

* I'm going to round up some of my good friends for a road trip. I'm thinking a theme park. Sort of a celebration.

Be good everybody. The realism is, though, I won't know whether you've been naughty or nice. As a matter of fact we're all naughty at some point. The challenge is to make sure that those times don't outweigh the times when you behave nicely. Honestly, right now, I'm in kind of a quiet, reflective place. Gotta keep a clear head for what is to come.

Disbelief

When we were in college we had a saying that when you found out something shocking or if someone, usually playfully, told you off we'd say it/the person "...turned my life around." I found out something yesterday that had the same affect on me. It kinda stayed with me all day. The realism is I was completely devastated. I just couldn't believe what I heard. I'm definitely going to share it, but not at this time. In light of what I learned I have some wrangling to do to get my ducks in a row so to speak. I can say that when my plan comes together there will definitely be a celebration. Come what may, it is my intention to see this through. It's interesting how something negative can sometimes be the best motivation to make some life changes.

I Dream Of

Earlier this morning I had a dream. Some friends and I were at a restaurant. From the looks of things conversation seemed to be light and we seemed to be enjoying our time so far. We had a waiter named James. Interesting, right? Well James became upset with us, particularly me at some point because he felt like we wanted too much attention. Words were exchanged and he left. Soon another waiter, a female came over to the table to check on us. She asked me what happened. I explained my side of the story as best I could to her. After listening to me she couldn't understand why James (the waiter) reacted like he did. Before she came to this conclusion, she had a little attitude too. I guess it was because of the loyalty she had for her fellow server. I had to calm her down and get her focused on what I was telling her. After I did, like I said earlier, she couldn't understand James' reaction. I asked her where he was because I wanted to smooth things out before I left. I couldn't find him and the dream ended. The realism is that this whole situation is probably a metaphor for something else. I wonder what. Any thoughts?

The Truth: Not from Concentrate

I could post more often but it takes me a couple of days to decide what to write about. I don't imagine it's because I have such an uneventful life, but rather it's because I'm so busy trying to filter the information that I put out. I feel like I am continuing to repeat the pattern. I have a tendency to not fully express how I'm feeling because I like to present an image that says that I have it together. Honestly, for the most part I do. It's just that there's some stuff from the past, a lil baggage if you will, that I've been lugging for quite some time. Since my back is starting to hurt, I guess it's time that I needs be getting rid of it. So, blogworld, that's one of the things that I resolve to do. I'll start to try to unload some of this emotional stuff. I wonder how life will be when I don't have to carry around this heavy stuff any longer. Having borne it for such a long time, I wonder if I'll know how to actually let it go.

Here goes a start. I grew up in an abusive household. I had to pause after I typed that line to make sure that I wanted to keep the line and continue with some of my truths. You've heard me refer to him* --and for those of you who nodded off or haven't been playing close attention, him* is the one who they insist is my father. My life has felt like a series of contradictions. Him* is a preacher, but used to work as a counselor. (I know right, how is someone who is so messed up himself going to effectively counsel anyone?) Having to deal with the constant badgering, cursing, arguing, mean-spiritedness, hurtful words, etc., was such a far cry from the shell of the man who faithfully stood in the pulpit each Sunday to delineate the many evils of secular living/worldliness.

I could never come to grips with how someone could say one thing publicly and do something altogether different in private. I'm not sure that I'll ever understand that type of thinking, because I believe in being honest and transparent. I can see why he behaved as he did though. I mean, if his private life was exposed to the people in the public life, he would be frowned upon. Who wants to say that their pastor/preacher emotionally abuses his family? If I could play a tape of some of the things that have gone on in the past, any reasonably objective person would ask whether he is really a preacher.

Quick story: (Don't I always have a quick story?) Besides being evil incarnate, him* has a passion for sports, mainly football. I was never that into football. I played as a youngster and even showed promise, but it was simply not my interest. Looking back I think a part of the reason I didn't want to play was to aggravate him. I so despised being in his presence and loathed anything he liked, that I made sure not to like anything that he did so as to limit out interaction. One day my two brothers and I (by the way, they're twins) were at a barbershop. My older sister had taken us, but it was close to time for her to go to work and we had not gotten our haircuts yet. She called him to ask him to come and get us. His reply? I'm watching football. I always knew he like football a lot. But come on, we're your offspring. Your seed. You would rather us look like woolly mammoths than miss a little bit of one measly football game? The realism is, his action-answer was yes. My sister had to call her job to tell them she would be late, so that we could get our hair cut and she could take us back home.

So you say, well that's not so bad. I thought this was going to be deep and emotional. As I said earlier, this is the start of a series of posts. By the way they may not all be in succession, but there will be a couple of posts on the topic. This particular story may seem trivial to some, but it speaks to the position to which the other members of the family were relegated: last place. It speaks to the selfishness that he has. I need to add selfishness to my list of dislikes.

Psuedorandom Musings

1. Why is it that when you tell somebody something they have a tendency to discredit what you have said? When someone of a different race (white or Asian) or in a higher position tells them the exact same thing, then it's suddenly the gospel truth.

2. Have you ever lived with someone whom you felt like you were rearing? (Southern people say 'raising', but you raise sugar cane and sheep. You actually 'rear' people).

3. I wish a police officer would pull me over for anything. Now that I'm back on the right side of the legitness (is that a word) as far as my license is concerned, I will be in a position to verbally thrash any officer who pulls me over for no good reason at all. I'm getting badge numbers, superior officers, tag numbers, etc., and am definitely going to accuse them of pulling me for driving while black.

4. Why did one of my students take another student's paper, erase his name and replace it with his own name? The thing is, the student who erased the other person's name didn't even erase it good. How foolish can you be?

5. For some strange reason when I go out looking for things to wear, I usually return uncharacteristically empty handed. Things just don't seem to suit me anymore. Pardon the pun.

6. When you forgive someone, but find it hard to forget the infraction that initially caused you the pain, do you believe that is indicative of unforgiveness? I don't. I think you'd be a fool to try to forget what cause the problem in the first place. By remembering, you are able to guard your emotions against such damage in the future. Any thoughts?

7. I can cook a mean turkey leg.




8. It's been a while since we last spoke. Maybe I'll make the first move.

9. If you make a simple request of someone and they constantly defy the request, is that a sign of their disdain for you, their need to assert their own authority or a combination of the two?

I Got a Feelin'

Sometimes when I tell people this they look at me with that look that says, "I know you believe what you are saying, but it just doesn't sound plausible to me." The realism is I have a mild case of esp. You know, extra sensory perception. Sometimes I get these feelings that I can't shake. Sometimes I have a dream that at a later time in life will unfold itself. One can argue that it's that feeling that most everyone has experienced at some time or another known as deja vu. I cannot tell you how many times I've dreamed about some seemingly insignificant event and then later had the event take place. A lot of times I was even clothed the same way as in the dream. Other dreams sometimes unfold in a slightly modified form. I mean, the major theme of the dream will take place, but some of the minor details may be different. For example, about seven years prior to my grandmother's funeral I dreamed how the ceremony would be. For the naysayers, we all know that death is certain. I am not suggesting I dreamed that she was going to die. That would not be a revelation. What I am suggesting, though, is that there is no way I could have known the color of the casket, what she would have on and where it might take place. (The where part is arguable, because it took place in the church that she had been a member of for quite a while. However, she used to attend another church.) Still not convinced? One time in high school I dreamed about an illicit affair. Truthfully, in high school, since most people are not living in matrimony, aren't all of our trysts illicit? I digress. I dreamed about this girl with whom I would perform a specific sex act. Whadayou know? It happened. Even as it was about to happen I remembered the dream. I wanted to stop it. I felt powerless to do so. It was almost as if I had read the script, but had not the ability to alter my lines or yell 'cut'. Even as I ponder that event now, I wonder why I couldn't make it turn out differently. Was that even (sinful event) predestined? Or was I just feeling fresh (what we use for 'horny'; see entry entitled, "The Burgeoning" for reference to vernacular)?

It isn't just me either. My sister has the same ability. Quick story. We had a great uncle who was mentally ill. (Strong record of mental illness on his* side.) Anywho, he walked off from his home one night and no one could find him. After he was missing for several days, my sister had a dream. She then told my aunts/uncles where Clarence was. She told them he was naked and in the woods dead. We're from a small country town that was at the time heavily wooded. This information was relayed to the authorities. They went searching for him. Just as she had said, he was found dead in the woods naked. It was some on point that I jokingly asked, "Are you sure you didn't do it?"

Hear me clearly. I am not saying that I have a crystal ball and can tell the future. It just so happens that sometimes I get a feeling about things or sometimes I dream a dream that comes true. The question is, after I dream the dream, I wonder if unconsciously I try to make the events in the dream become a part of my reality or if they were going to happen anyway.

*See post entitled, "The Burgeoning" for further clarification